I am sure that the adjustment from one to two kids is different for every Mom and probably easier for some than others. I think that I am adjusting in some ways better than I expected so yeah me, on the other hand, the more challenging areas for me have been much tougher than I imagined.
I realize that for all of you who have two or more kiddos already, that this is old news and I know that someday it will be for me also. This post is more for the Mom who is on Google searching for information on starting her journey with two kids as she is pregnant with her second and curious about the upcoming transition. This post is also for the mom who just had her second kiddo (like me) and she is wondering if anyone else can relate to what she is going through. Maybe she feels like pulling her hair out or crying all day...I was in that place the first couple of months and especially after the hubby went back to work:). Maybe we have some things in common. I hope it is encouraging just to know that you are not alone in this transition!
I wrote this post originally when my son was only about a month old and now I am rewriting it when he is 4.5 moths old because so much has changed already. Overall I would say that the changes have been mostly positive so that is encouraging I hope. This season is just one of the MANY seasons in life that I have come to realize takes time to adjust to, fall in to, accept, understand and find peace in. No one feels warm immediately upon being thrown into a cold pool but, if you swim around a lot and for a while, you begin to adjust to the temperature. So, that being said, prepare to give this season a good amount of time and soon enough you will warm up to it all. That's not to say that it will all be easy but, just that you will feel more confident in your routine because you will know how to best manage your day with your newest addition with the aide of time and through trial and error.
In all honesty, I was feeling super overwhelmed the first 2 months after my son was born. A big reason for that was that I had an unplanned c-section and a really rough recovery. I wasn't able to do much for the first 2 months and that was awful for me. After delivering my daughter, (my first born) I was up and cleaning house the day I came home from the hospital. Not that I had to do housecleaning but, I wanted to, I could and it felt great! I had so much energy after having my daughter and I never dealt with any postpartum blues etc. After having my son, I didn't know how I would ever get out of the house with the two kids alone at first and it really gave me a great deal of anxiety when an appointment came up or if someone wanted me to go somewhere. But, with each outing my confidence grew and though it isn't easy (not easy at all...sorry but, it just isn't as easy as life with one kiddo...not even close, lol.) to shop with 2 kids, I can do it now.
The one thing that I want to encourage all Moms adjusting to a new little one is please give yourself time and try not to cave in to the pressure to go-go-go, if you don't feel quite ready yet. Your busy life will resume when it is meant to, that I can assure you. If I had listened to everyone that was telling me that I needed to get out right away and that it was "what was best for me," I would have been even more of a wreck. Please accept grace and rest in it. Rest whenever you can and take it easy. There is plenty of time for rushing later. Adding another little human to your family can be very exhausting and you will need all the r&r that you can get!
www.mommytracked.com
The one thing that I want to encourage all Moms adjusting to a new little one is please give yourself time and try not to cave in to the pressure to go-go-go, if you don't feel quite ready yet. Your busy life will resume when it is meant to, that I can assure you. If I had listened to everyone that was telling me that I needed to get out right away and that it was "what was best for me," I would have been even more of a wreck. Please accept grace and rest in it. Rest whenever you can and take it easy. There is plenty of time for rushing later. Adding another little human to your family can be very exhausting and you will need all the r&r that you can get!
I actually survived 7 days alone with my husband out of town on a business trip when my son was 3 months old and my daughter came down with a severe stomach virus the day after he left. Horrible timing and I think I did over 25 loads of laundry that week. Seriously, I felt like SUPER WOMAN after that time on my own with the two kiddos. It was craziness. One of the most exhausting weeks ever!
That may have even been the week that I realized I was so much stronger than I thought I was and so much more capable then I ever knew. When we Mom's need to rise to the occasion, we do just that, We rise.
The first few months with a baby are all about figuring that tiny person out, learning their personality, their schedule and getting settled. Figuring all that stuff out takes time. Learning what a baby likes and doesn't like, takes time and just when you think you've got them figured out they go and cut a tooth or grow an inch and get all grumpy again. Tis the way of life with a wee one. As you already know from your first round...patience is probably one of the most important tools in every aspect of parenting.
Now at almost five months my kiddo has pretty much created his own sleep/nap routine all on his own. It feels good to know what he needs to be happier and more content. I am able to plan my days with a lot more ease...more or less. It's never going to be a perfect science with a baby of course but, it really does begin to fall in to place a bit with time. Thank you sweet Jesus for that!
1. The Emotional Adjustment
Simply put, learning to let go of what was and how to adjust to what is...is not as easy as you think!
For at least a few months after my son was born I was struggling a lot in this area.
I missed all of the quality time that I got to spend with my daughter before Bruin was born. I missed the energy that I had just for her. I can't emphasize that enough. I had nearly 5 years with just her and I knew having another kiddo would be a big change but, I didn't realize how much I would miss all of the one on one time I had with my her. My heart actually ached deeply for her. It was depressing...not gonna lie. I held it together on the outside but, inside I felt a lot of sadness...I'm sure that my postpartum blues and the traumatic delivery weren't helping things for me. What made it even harder was that my daughter had a bit of a tough time adjusting to the changes that came along with her baby brother for about 3 weeks as well. Now five months in things are a lot better overall but, I still miss being able to do more with my daughter. We baked, crafted, cuddled in bed on Saturday mornings, went shopping together etc. I can do some of these things with her of course but, not nearly as often and certainly not every day. I am still learning to adjust in this area but, we have come a long way in five months so I am thankful for that.
I miss sleeping through the night and waking up refreshed and in a generally good mood. I missed feeling okay physically. The c-section was a doozy for me and really took me out of commission for close to 3 months. That was SO unexpected and thus it was so much harder for me to adjust to because I wasn't remotely prepared for it. I used to hold my daughter often and carry her a lot but, after the c-section I couldn't and it actually broke my heart because it was just another thing that distanced us when I wanted to feel closer. I didn't have the energy to tuck her in at night so Daddy took over and I missed that too. I wasn't able to drive her to school in the morning because I wasn't allowed to drive on the meds for a few weeks so Daddy took over the morning drives. I missed that as well. There was just so much change in such a short amount of time and though I can adjust to moderate levels of change, this was more than I was able to process all at once I guess?
This is another area that some people adjust to faster than others I'm sure. I'm a slow adjuster...what can I say.
This is another area that some people adjust to faster than others I'm sure. I'm a slow adjuster...what can I say.
FACT #1: Being exhausted can make even simple life challenges harder for anyone to handle. Fact #2 Infants are EXHAUSTING!! I've decided that it doesn't matter how "good" your newborn/infant might be...a baby is still a baby and a baby is just plain hard (good?) work any way you slice it.
I'm so so so so so so so so so so tired.....zzzzzz....
I'm so so so so so so so so so so tired.....zzzzzz....
Just say NO to mom guilt! It's a nasty little trick of the enemy to break a Mom's spirit and joy. Whenever those little guilt trip thoughts pop up in my head, I quickly battle them off with a prayer of truth about who I am in Christ. It's not to say that this is always an immediate fix but, it is a great habit to get in to. It's a practice of battling the negativity that guilt creates with the positivity that Christ fills us up with. And for me it is something that I MUST practice daily...lemme tell yah.
It was also hard to see my daughter feeling angry, sad or even mildly jealous after her brother came home. She did an amazing job of holding it together and she never took it out on him which surprised me. She took it out on me and Daddy mostly which is understandable. She was more defiant. She slammed her door more. She seemed a bit cold and distant on occasion and she was very vocal about her dislike for us when she was mad. It hurt a lot but, I reminded myself that it wasn't personal and that it was just her way of adjusting to things being so different. She missed me too!
The key for us was to continually love on her as much and as often as we could. We also involved her in diaper changes, baths etc...though she seems to have quickly bored of those things and no longer seems interested in participating. I also made a point to include her in the baby chats I was having with my son. I would also tell Bruin to wait his "turn" if Daisy was talking. This helped her to feel like she was important and that the baby didn't always come before her. Still, this area has been a work in progress and there have been days where Daisy has whined and said, "you like Bruin more than me," which especially stings when it comes on the heels of playing a game with her for an hour while he napped instead of squeezing in a nap for myself. There really is no way of getting around it I suppose. She is so much older so she thinks more and observes more. If your kids are closer in age and younger they may not even be all that interested in the new baby you have brought home. They may not even notice the attention you have to give your wee one. Daisy is 100% engaged and aware of my every move. She is my little shadow and mini-me. She is always hungry for my undivided attention.
I will say that after almost 5 months, Daisy seems to be much more comfortable with our routine and I would say that overall she appears to feel content in her new relationship as big sister and no longer an only child. We definitely have moments where I catch her staring at me when I am talking to Bruin while he sits in my lap and I see the need in her eyes for validation. I try to affirm her as often as I can but, we win some days, we lose some days. At least I can say we have improved in this area A TON in five months. Once again, it took time for her to accept the changes but, she slowly got on board.
I have also made a point to go on a few dates when I can with my daughter. We both LOVE our dates together. We've gone to ice cream a few times or just to grab groceries alone together. I also took her with me to the salon when I got my hair done. She had never been to a salon and I gave her a tour and let her sit in my lap and talk with the stylists. She had a great time! Then we went next door to grab lunch and we laughed our heads off together. I give her my undivided attention during these special outings and I can tell that it really makes her feel extra special. In fact when I went to Mother's Day Tea at Daisy's school she had written that her dates with me were her favorite thing to do with me. That really blessed me to hear. It also makes me feel better to get this quality time in with her...honestly I'm not sure who it helps more. I come away from those outings feeling very connected to my daughter and I can tell that she feels the same. I hope we will get more of these special dates once I am done nursing. Sometimes I think that we need to be purposeful about dating our kids in the same way we need to try and date our spouses when we can. It's amazing how much a little break from the routine can freshen a connection and strengthen a bond between child or spouse!
Other areas of transition:
Sleep - OMG
Hey, maybe your baby will sleep great! Maybe your baby will sleep through the night from day one. Maybe all of your kids will sleep awesome and you will have the life I can only dream about...well, actually I won't be able to dream about it BECAUSE I NEVER SLEEP...and if you do happen to be so lucky then please...just please...don't tell me about it. And I don't even think we should be friends. Your peppiness will drain me and your glorious stories of awesome sleeping babies will depress me. HAHA...totally kidding but, seriously. I'm SO TIRED. Sigh. I've tried all the tricks and taken all the boat loads of advice. Nope. He still likes to get up at least 6-8 times a night or so and he generally likes to nurse 4 of those times at least. I know that he will get there but, it is going to take time by the looks of it. That being said I have had to adjust to extremely inconsistent nights but, consistently about 3 hours of broken sleep tops on average. It's ROUGH. I like to sleep. Scratch that, I LOVE to sleep and getting 45 minutes at a time is just not my thing. Still, the body has an incredible way of adapting and mine has managed to adapt overall but, it doesn't change the fact that I do feel very run down most of the time.
I dream while I am awake about what it will be like to hopefully feel more rested again when I wake up someday. lol. I am trying to wean my little guy from wanting to nurse so much at night but, it ends up being a very long middle of the night scream fest every night so I'm fried. Being tired effects EVERYTHING else in the next day. Patience is hard enough to maintain as a parent on a good night's sleep but, without sleep...holy moly it becomes a supernatural thing I tell yeah. Entertaining my highly energetic five year old all day every day, while also tending to my fussy 4 month old is exhausting but, I have found that if I keep busy I actually get through the day better. It's when I get too stationary at home that I start to realize just how tired I am and my mood wants to go downhill from there. So, I tend to be a busy bee until bedtime. I think I have gotten 3 naps since my son was born!! JUST 3 and they weren't any longer than 20 minutes at best. Yes that is craziness. I'm shocked just reading that. Now that my daughter is past the napping phase I no longer have the luxury of napping when my baby naps. I miss that a lot.
Because I am unable to get a nap, I force myself to go to bed early which is not fun or easy. I so badly want to stay up late and get some quiet time or spouse time in before bed but, if I do that I risk losing the only 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep that I might get all night. Most nights I have to close my eyes by 9 at the latest.
If you are like me and you need a lot of sleep, then this may also be a tricky area of transition for you.
If you are like me and you need a lot of sleep, then this may also be a tricky area of transition for you.
Having two kids is definitely more tiring than having one...for me. But, if your baby sleeps great this won't be as much of an issue for you. Yay!
Getting Two Kids and Myself Ready to go Out...Fuggedaboutit.
We really had the whole one kid thing down pretty well for the most part. We had a great routine and we were generally on time for things....yah, I just want everyone who ever invites us to anything to know right now, that's never going to happen again. HA! For the record, I love being on time for things and it is important to me...but, I've decided to let that expectation go. Gone. Buh-bye.
Why is it so hard to get out of the dang house with kids? Oh yah, because every single time I touch the door knob to leave I remember something else that I have forgotten...the sippy cup, the water bottle, the diaper bag, the pacifier, my sweater, my glasses, the keys, her baby doll, the lunch box, his blanket, the toys, my bible, my purse, my shoes, her snack and so on. And if it isn't one of those endless things it's the kids needing something. "I have to go potty! Did you get my bag? Can you bring me some animal crackers? Or maybe just as I get all of my ducks in a row my baby spits up on my shirt for the fifth time that morning and I simply cannot wear it with that many layers of stench. Then I have to change and that can be a whole other long and drawn out process these days because I pretty much loathe everything in my wardrobe. This post partum body isn't quite rocking the skinny pants or the form fitted tees yet. lol Or maybe you hear the sound of a lovely poop explosion in your infants drawers and you see it rapidly leaking out of his onesie and onto your blouse...yup, all the time. So yah, with each kiddo we have added to our family, our punctuality has gone more and more down the toilet. Sorry friends! Having low expectations in this area is a good thing!
I try to plan short outings and I try to plan for them to be difficult, so that I am not surprised or upset when things go awry. Bruin often starts crying in the middle of my short shopping trip and I have to take him out of the carseat or stroller and hold him with one arm, while pushing the stroller with my hip or one free arm. It's tricky but, I've managed. Sometimes I will stick him in the sling/bjorn but he isn't a big fan yet so that doesn't always solve the screaming problem. I have about a one hour window of good outing time before I have to stop and tend to the baby for a diaper change, feeding, or position change. It's not nearly as easy with two as it was with one...not even close but, I am thankful that Daisy is older and pretty independent at this point. That has been a blessing.
I love when I am in the middle of my grocery trip with a full cart and a sleeping baby lodged between groceries in the cart and suddenly, Daisy grabs her legs and with wide eyes, "Mom I have to go pee really bad!!!" EVERY TIME. Then I have to haul booty to the bathroom on the other side of the store and help her go potty while leaving my cart somewhere and taking Bruin and his carseat out of the cart...which wakes him up and inevitably starts him crying earlier. Especially when the toilet flushes or someone puts there hands under those jet engine hand driers...gahhhhhhh....can't you see my baby is sleeping people??? It's fun I tell yah. BUT, it's life and we mom's all manage to get through it. I still have my red super mom cape on back order but, I can't wait for it to arrive. I plan on wearing it everyday.
Nursing
I don't mind nursing overall. I'm thankful that I am able to nurse as it saves money and is often easier than having to prepare a bottle...each time my son wakes up at night for instance, and it really is a sweet bonding experience. On the other hand, It was a lot easier to nurse my daughter overall because I was working from home at the time and I could just sit in a chair and nurse her when needed. No problem.
Now that I am out on the go a lot more it has become a lot harder for me to enjoy nursing. I am not a Mom who will ever be comfortable busting my top off in public to nurse or even nursing in a group of people with a cover for that matter. My babies tend to kick the cover off and leave me all like, "hello world, take a look at my boobs!" Not my idea of a good time but, to each his own. I know plenty of mommys who are super comfortable nursing publicly. Power to yah Moms!
I like nursing in quiet rooms or in private spaces. That's just the way I am. I have found that the back seat of my van has become my nursing station when I am on the go and it is working out well overall. Still, it's hard to plan outings around a 2.5 to 3 hour nursing schedule. If I was bottle feeding I could just pop a bottle in my kiddos mouth while I was shopping and it would probably make things easier but, I am just not ready to do that yet. I have appointments to be at and I have to pick my daughter up from school and I can't always arrange those things around a nursing schedule so it's tough. Sometimes I have to feed my kiddo early all day just to make it to appointments without him screaming during my checkup or while we wait in carpool for 30 minutes. All that to say that because I do like my privacy, nursing is harder now that I am on the go all the time but, I am managing and for that I am pretty dang proud of myself! Not sure how long I will nurse, or maybe my son will call that shot and wean off but, for now I will keep chugging. lol
Also because I exclusively nurse, this has put a temporary end to my girl's nights, or solo outings or even easy date nights. I pretty much have my little guy glued to me until I stop nursing or until I also do bottles. This isn't an easy sacrifice for me but, again, it's temporary. In the overall big picture...I'm very thankful that I am able to nurse and if I get to nurse for a year or close to it I won't regret it. And let's face it...it's a helpful weight loss tool after pregnancy! I'm very thankful for that as I gained a lot of weight with Bruin.
I am not sure if Bruin is our last kiddo or not but, in case he is I really want to savor this time with him to the best of my ability even if it is an added challenge. I won't ever get this time back!
Slim to none - "free or quiet time"
Obviously, once a kiddo comes into the picture for a family, free time becomes almost non-existent for a Mother unless that kiddo is napping. Daisy has been in preschool for the past two years so I could count on a couple of hours each morning to get things done or just have some quiet time which I truly treasured. I LOVE quiet time. Quiet time in my peaceful home is what fuels my introvert spirit. Now I have zero quiet time...unless you count those middle of the night nursing sessions...which are pretty quiet but, my brain isn't functioning enough to appreciate the "free time." The baby is awake when my older kiddo is at school and takes his naps when she is home and when she is home she is a non-stop ball of energy. That being said, if you are like me and enjoy those quiet nap or school breaks with your one kiddo it might be wise to expect that you may not have those breaks with two kiddos...at least not for a little while until you get a good routine going and figure out how to carve that time into your new system. I think this has been a tough area for me to adjust to. I'm looking forward to when Bruin takes a more consistent and hopefully longer morning nap and hopefully it will happen while Daisy is at school so I can once again enjoy a little quiet time!
With one kiddo, I got in the habit of cleaning the house and grocery shopping when my daughter was at school. I get SO much more done when I am not cleaning up old messes while attempting to clean up the new ones that are being made! lol I love having a somewhat clean home. My brain feels more peaceful when my home is less cluttered and messy. Obviously with kids I have had to learn to tolerate my home with more messes but, it hasn't been easy for me. This is an area that I am sure is easier for some women than others depending on your level of need for tidiness.
I am continuing to accept that I won't ever be on top of it all anymore. There will never be an end to the laundry, dishes, bills to pay, errands to run, packages to ship, school demands to meet, etc. It seems to be more about learning to find the peace in the chaos these days. Something that will take me a life time to balance I'm sure.
So SO SO much busier:
It is so hard to find the time to do much of anything it seems like. Laundry takes me three days and while I am working hard on that the rest of the universe is usually falling apart around me. Then, when I finally finish laundry I spend a day doing bills...because I get interrupted like every 1.5 minutes. Everything takes so much longer. More appointments, more shuttling around in the car everyday, more rushing. I put my lunch in the microwave (cuz that is all I have time for) and then the baby starts screaming or blows out his diaper or wakes up from his nap. Then I forget about the lunch all together and wonder why I am starving three hours later.
Yup, life is busy and with each kiddo added, it gets a little busier. More adjusting required. I'm trying to figure out how to come to terms with the fact that there is only one me and that the household tasks will never be done. I have to do what I can do and let the rest lie. I have to learn to let it all wait so that I can be present with my kids as well. Being present is very important to me.
Marriage Quality time? What's that Pshh? - Nursing around the clock makes it hard to get away with a hubby as does not having a reliable sitter. Sleeping zero hours a night also means that I pretty much need to go to bed when the kids go to bed at night. I have no choice really. I literally fall into a delirious heap most days as soon as the kiddos are both in bed. I am a true zombie at this point. My hubby has been super gracious and understanding. We have managed to watch some shows in the evening here and there but, I pretty much have to crash by 9 at the latest if I want to survive the next day. I definitely look forward to the day that I get a little more consistent sleep so that I can stay up more often with my hubby and have more quality time. This is one of those areas of adjustment that is temporary and requires a lot of give and take. We experienced this for about the first year of life with our daughter and as a result we haven't been surprised by our exhaustion this time around.
HUBBY HELPS!
So, these are just a handful of the changes that we have worked through over the past five months. There are other areas but, these are the things that influenced me the most. I will say that my hubby has continued to take my daughter to school in the morning and I am SO SO thankful for that. Her school is on the way to his work and it is about a 20-30 minute drive each way for us. It lands smack dab during Bruin's first early morning nap. I would have to take him out of his crib to run out the door each morning as so many moms do. I am so glad that I don't have to do that! My hubby has also taken on a grocery trip once a week and any extra little errand trips that pop up at the last minute. I write the list and meal plan as best I can and he shops and it's another area that he has stepped up in that has been HUGE and SO appreciated. I think this has been a big change in our marriage as well...more give and take and more sharing of responsibilities. Team work is essential in family life that is for sure!
It's ALL WORTH IT, of course!
I have absolutely loved watching Daisy step into her role as big sister with so much love and grace. She is so gentle and nurturing with her big brother. It's as if she has always been a big sister and I can hardly imagine her any other way now. She seems so much older...as if a few short months have made her more independent and mature. Makes me a little sad to see her "growing up overnight" so to speak but, it was time I suppose. She no longer thinks just about herself but, instead she is always thinking about her life with a brother in it. She talks about her future plans and her brother is always a part of her dreams. I love that! Now my daughter has a somebody and that makes me so happy.
I've also notice that Daisy has naturally fallen into an understanding of our routine. She gets that I have to nurse and change Bruin. She is more patient now and she asks a little less of me because she knows that she would have to wait for what she wants if I am busy. She is learning to do more for herself and I am not having to teach her. Our new circumstances are teaching her all on their own which is a blessing.
Daisy is also very helpful. She gets Bruin pacifiers when he cries, blankets when he is cold, turns on fans for him to look at. I marvel at her thoughtfulness actually. She loves to be near her brother and to hold and kiss him. She is rarely rough though it can happen on occasion and I just have to remind her to be gentle. I will say that the novelty of a baby has worn off. Daisy was obsessed with babies before Bruin was born and like most other children who have siblings, I am realizing that she is less fascinated and enthralled with the whole baby thing now. She now wants to do other things and play on her own. I'm a little sad to see the intensity of her love for babies fading but, I guess it's also a natural and healthy thing. It's a bit more in balance now I suppose.
I realized today that I hold Daisy SO much less than I did before Bruin was born. She used to whine and ask me to hold her all the time when she was an only kiddo. Evidently she just learned all on her own that she can't be held as often anymore and she even seems to find it a bit strange when I want to pick her up now. See, so much change in such a short amount of time! Tugs on the ol' heart strings.
I love having a son. I never thought I would have a son but, I do and it's so awesome. I'm enjoying blue...we have SO much pink over here. I'm enjoying the boy toys and the boy conversations. I love the balance that my son has brought into our lives. I'm so thankful for him. He is noisy and strong! Boys are so different and I am enjoying the adventure of a little man in the making. Having two kids has made life much more complicated and so much more beautiful...so messy and beautiful. There is just something about the things in life that are often challenging...they are often the best things too. Kids are like that for sure.
It's also awesome to see my husband hanging out with his son. Pretty cool to see a Daddy and his little boy. I can only imagine the adventures they will go on together someday very soon. My two fishermen perhaps? Every time Bruin sees Daddy or hears his voice even from another room he crams his neck around until he finds him. When he makes eye contact with Daddy his face lights up and he quickly turns his head the other way in his bashfullness. He does this over and over again. It is SO cute. I think we have a little Daddy's boy on our hands.
So, overall the transition was a tough one for me and continues to be a challenge in some ways because my baby doesn't sleep much and I am so worn out most days. More importantly though, I love that my family has grown to four and I love that my daughter has a sibling to grow up with. I love that we have more laughter, more adventure and more surprises ahead of us in life. This chapter has been hard, but it's worth it! It was the desire of my heart for so long to have another kiddo and now he is here. God is faithful.
I would love to hear your thoughts on life with two kiddos and how the adjustment was for you. What were the challenges you faced and how did you work through them?
No comments:
Post a Comment
Thanks so much for visiting my blog and sharing your thoughts.