My Journey With Hashimoto's Disease

photo by: Christina Decamp Photography

Well, I feel like it is time, (drumroll) time to share with those around me, a little bit more of what I have been battling quietly for some time.  I tend to share my stories best in writing so here goes...

Some of you already know that I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's Disease about three years ago.  I had been battling the symptoms of a thyroid disease since my pregnancy with my first kiddo, nearly 8 years prior in 2009.  I didn't know what I was dealing with at that point and I didn't know what to do, so I ignored the signs and symptoms.  I always felt super run down, sluggish and very foggy brained.  This was after my kiddo was sleeping through the night.  I got a full night sleep and I ate healthy enough and yet I still felt awful.  Those were my symptoms back then when the problem was new and my thyroid was just beginning to go off the rails.  Maybe if I would have addressed the situation then it wouldn't have gotten as bad as it has...maybe.  

Another problem that I have is that I am the absolute worst at advocating for myself.  I will advocate and champion for my friends and family all day long.  I will encourage people to go to the doctor and schedule appointments for them and research their conditions.  I will listen for countless hours to people talk about their struggles and walk alongside them through it but, when it comes to me...I like to ignore things and hope that they will just go away...that is, until they don't.  

A few years ago I went to the doctor for my annual well check appointment and while there they asked me how I was feeling overall.  At their prompting, I shared a bit of my daily normal (which wasn't great at all but, it was normal to me) and they were shocked that I hadn't come in sooner.  I was shocked that they were shocked.  All Mom's are tired all the time.  All Moms have brain fog.  I figured I was just dealing with the common side effects of motherhood that most moms struggle with. 

They tested me immediately for a few auto immune diseases and the tests quickly revealed that my thyroid levels were drastically off.  So, at this point my journey with Hashimoto's Disease officially began. 

At the time I was a little shocked to have a disease label slapped on me but, on the other hand I was happy that something had been discovered.  Now all I had to do was begin taking a medicine and my energy should return, my vitiligo might slow down or even go away for good, the severe eczema on my arms might also go away, I might not have to take a nap every day of my life to function and the brain fog might lift.  That was exciting!  I had something to focus on and something to work toward.  Answers feel good!  Knowing what direction to go in life feels good.  And the hope of getting better feels amazing!  

And on that note: this is why my heart goes out to the millions who suffer with a chronic disease who do not get better and who battle through pain every day.  Those who have been told that there is nothing else that can be done.  You are heroes.  I hope you know that.  Life is so hard when suffering is a part of every moment of it.  

For those of you who are not familiar with Hashimoto's Disease, here is a brief synopsis from the Mayo Clinic website:

"Hashimoto's disease is a condition in which your immune system attacks your thyroid, a small gland at the base of your neck below your Adam's apple. The thyroid gland is part of your endocrine system, which produces hormones that coordinate many of your body's functions."

The good news is that usually if you are diagnosed with a Thyroid disease of some kind the doctor's will work with you to figure out what type of medicine and what dose your body needs to stabilize.  Once you are stabilized on medicine your body will return to normal and you should fee good again.  So please don't be alarmed. 

I have not had any success with medicine yet but, I believe that is because we have not properly gotten to the root of the real issue with my thyroid and that is the quest that I am still on at the moment.  

Symptoms of Hypo and Hashimoto Disease Include:

• Severe Fatigue and sluggishness
• Increased sensitivity to cold
• Constipation, food processing issues, IBS 
• Pale, dry skin
• A puffy face
• Brittle nails
• Hair loss
• Enlargement of the tongue, swelling of the neck and lymph nodes
• Unexplained weight gain
• Muscle aches, tenderness and stiffness
• Joint pain and stiffness, arthritis like symptoms
• Muscle weakness, muscle aches  
• Excessive or prolonged menstrual bleeding 
• Depression and anxiety
• Memory lapses, severe brain fog

By the time I had the initial appointment a few years ago my thyroid had been going down hill for at least five years.  As a result my symptoms were continually getting worse.  I had all of these symptoms and have continued to battle them for the past 3 years.  My hair was falling out in small handfuls everyday.  My nails were always chipped and falling off.  My brain fog was so bad that after a car accident when my son was still an infant, I couldn't even recall what exactly had happened.  I would drive places and forget why I went there...it happened all the time. My vitiligo (loss of pigmentation all over body) was beginning to spread more rapidly.  What once started as a single quarter sized circle on my upper thigh, had turned into spots on my face, fingers legs and neck.  I was taking a nap every single day for at least two years...just to function.  A nap was a survival essential.  I was battling arthritis like symptoms in my thumbs and big toes.  Constant aches all over my body.  A sluggishness that makes picking up your feet feel like a chore. The most annoying and unpleasant of the symptoms for me has been the strangle hold around my neck.  It makes breathing and swallowing more labor some.  I also began losing my voice on a regular basis after attending any loud function.  My vocal chords simply couldn't handle the added pressure being place on them by my swelling thyroid and lymph nodes.  The laryngitis issues, and strained vocal chords have gotten increasingly severe as the years have gone on and I am presently battling it on a daily basis. 

I went to the doctor every 2-3 months for two years and each time they came back and told me that my numbers were not getting better.  So of course they kept upping my medicine level as that is what any good medical doctor should do.  Friends of mine who also have Hashimoto's Disease encouraged me and told me it would get better (and I still believe it will!) once the proper dose gets figured out.  After about a year of different doses, I started taking 75 mg of armour thyroid and finally began to feel a return of my energy, brain clarity, purpose, motivation, happiness...etc..for about a week.  It was AMAZING!! 

Unfortunately, my body didn't like taking that particular medicine at that dose level.  I started to have severe heart palpitations, burning and tingling down my right arm and cramps in my elbow.  My chest started burning and felt like something heavy was standing on my heart. I was bending over the counter in pain all day to catch my breath.  Later that night, I told my husband what was going on (took me a full day to finally tell him) and I suggested that I thought I might be having a stroke or something.  He wanted to call an ambulance.  I said that was too much work and sounded stressful and I would rather die and if it was my time then I was ready.  Poor hubby.  I am serious...I am not good at advocating for myself I told you.  I just don't know how to take care of me I guess?   

The next morning I had my regular doctor's appointment and the Dr. asked if I was having chest pains or palpitations from the medicine and I said, yes tons.  He look startled, (as any normal person except myself would) and immediately cut off the medicine at that dose, told me to take a few days off and lowered my dose until we could find a new medicine. 

The challenge with trying to get your thyroid dialed in is that for as long as you are not stabilized...you will continue to feel like junk.  Taking a little bit of thyroid medicine is no better than taking none at all.  IT DOES NOT work like that with a thyroid.  Until you get to the right dose that brings your body into a place of stabilizing...you will feel very off and all the symptoms will continue.  So every time the doctor would change a dose or experiment with a new medicine my body would go bazerk for a few weeks while it tried to figure out what to do with the new hormones flooding my system. I would get extra periods every time a new dose was prescribed and I would feel irritable on top of all of the pre-existing symptoms which continue to worsen as they go untreated. The thyroid is an organ and if it is attacked long enough it will fail.  It is best to take care of it and treat it as quickly as possible to minimize the damage that you can cause it.  If I could go back, I would have looked into my health much sooner.  Yes, I do believe I am learning something. 

So, after the issues I had with the last medicine I was switched over to a compound version of the drug so that I could choose my specific dose level and remove the fillers that most generic drugs use.  That seemed promising at first.  Sadly, after 9 months of going this route, the compound medicine has not improved my thyroid levels at all.  Each appointment the Dr. has bumped me up a little higher and a little higher and now I am at the level similar to that of a person who has no thyroid at all...quite possibly because my thyroid has been damaged for so long that it is in fact not functioning at all.  We will soon find that out, at least that is my hope. 

 And for the record, I realize that there are plenty of people who have had their thyroids removed (people that I know who have graves disease or who have had thyroid cancer) and are now taking medicine for life to keep their body balanced.  I know that isn't the end of the world to have a thyroid removed but, it is also not ideal and I would really like to prevent going that route for as long as possible.  In fact, I would love to do all that I can with my diet and lifestyle choices in hopes that I could take far less medication than I currently am.  That would be the best case scenario! 

In my effort to improve my situation I decided to eat gluten free for almost a year and a half.  That was HORRIBLE at first lemme tell yah.  I was depressed about it initially because I love pasta and bread so much.  Fluffy and soft foods make me happy.  The gluten-free alternative is simply not the same and takes a bit of time to adjust to.  I ate my share of spaghetti squash, zoodles, gluten-free bread and pizza etc.  I stopped eating out almost everywhere and I pretty much stopped eating everything that I loved.  I was determined to do whatever I could to help my body. When you feel that terrible you really should be determined to do whatever it takes right?  

One thing I have learned repeatedly in life is to give myself grace to work through something difficult.  It takes time to process a big change.  It takes time to process our feelings about our health and our limitations.  It takes time to accept what you are facing.  I was so upset about my dietary restrictions for the first few months.  I was angry.  I hate cooking and I had no idea how to eat or what to do.  I grieved every time someone ate a donut in front of me.  I grieved when my family went to Olive Garden (a favorite pasta destination of mine).  I grieved when I couldn't bite into the soft crust of a delicious take out pizza.  I felt sad and angry for a couple of months and it was hard to share that with the world.   

The world likes happy, resilient people who show very little sign of weakness.  Whelp, I am not that girl, so I have to hide from the world and work through things privately.  Another thing I am learning to challenge. Hello world! It's me.  The girl with big feelings and a big heart.  Hiding is also killing me so I am coming out for a while.  And that is the truth isn't it...for all of us...Maybe hiding isn't helping after all.   

Hiding certainly doesn't make anyone feel better...but, so many people are hiding right now.  Hiding insecurities.  Hiding shame.  Hiding addictions.  Hiding pain.  Hiding heartache.  Hiding loneliness. Hiding. I see you friend.  You are not alone.  Let's be brave together.  Let's come out of hiding.  Let's do the nitty gritty work of being vulnerable so that we can experience more freedom and healing together.  No more hiding.  

After a few months of eating gluten-free, I am happy to report that I was no longer bitter. I had accepted my diet and my health issues for what they were and I was okay with my restrictions because I was hopeful that I would improve!  Give yourself the grace for the messy times of working through feelings.  We are so hard on ourselves and we often expect such quick resolutions...but, the truth is that sometimes it takes time to work through feelings.  Give yourself time to process what you are facing.  

Another thing that I am very passionate about is prayer! I believe that God can heal sickness and disease!  I know it with all of my heart.  

So this little note is to all of my passionate prayer warrior friends reading this who are wondering if I have prayed or prayed enough or sought God enough..Yes friends, I have been praying since day one. I have had family and friends praying for me and laying hands on me and praying some more.  My petitions to Heaven will never cease.   And I say this in the utmost love, sweet, wonderful Christian prayer-warrior friends...please be kind to the sick and withhold your judgement towards those suffering with chronic illnesses.  If you have not personally battled a chronic illness it is quite understandable that you might not have the understanding yet or even the empathy to come alongside a person who is battling daily. That is ok.  It takes a special kind of person to come alongside someone who is suffering for a long time and to not grow weary walking with them in it.  To be able to love someone at their worst...well, that is truly where I have seen Christ the most clearly in people.  Love is patient, love is kind and it can take a lot of patience and kindness to support a hurting person.

Last week I had  an appointment with my endocrinologist. My friend's were hopeful and my hubby was hopeful.  I didn't feel any different physically so I wasn't sure what to think.  

My numbers came back...I was just as off as ever on this new dose...no improvement whatsoever.  So discouraging.  Took the wind out of my sails let me tell yah.  That is when the doctor explained that he is not sure why my thyroid is not stabilizing and he is bumping me up to about the max that I can go on my medicine.  I asked him if he could refer me to a dietary specialist and he did and I left with my heart feeling heavy.  Three years into my thyroid journey and I find myself in the same place as when it all started, only now my symptoms are much, much worse.  

A few days later, I gathered with my Bible study friends we prayed again and sweet Angie laid her hand on my neck and prayed for healing and I was comforted and filled with hope again.  I am so thankful for my friends. 

And through it all, you need to know that I KNOW that God's got me.  This is hard and feeling lousy every day has been exhausting but, I am filled with hope and that anchors me and keeps me stable.  

If you are battling a chronic illness of any kind, I hope and pray that you have a wonderful support system.  Your body might be getting beat up every day but if you are surrounded by people who build you up with encouragement and hope it can make a world of difference.  Encouragement and speaking life and hope into a weary person goes a long way.  I am passionate about encouragement because I know how badly so many of us need it! Be a light.  Be willing to get in the mud to help a friend out.  It's actually a beautiful place to be...in the mud...because real love can get messy and it should be messy sometimes because that is what this beautiful life is all about.  Messy is part of what makes things beautiful. 

I began reading a book about re-booting the immune system and found it to be quite interesting.  I had been thinking about going dairy free for some time and while reading this book I decided to go for it.  I have always had a strange phlegm reaction to any and all dairy.  I have never liked milk, sour cream, yogurt or ice cream for that very reason.  Little did I know that clearing my throat every time I consume dairy is a tell tale sign of a food intolerance ...but, I love cheese and I eat a lot of it so I have ignored that sign all of my life.  Maybe at the very least I am learning to stop ignoring what my body is telling me....maybe. 

As of four days ago, I am dairy-free and gluten-free.  Yes, it is a bummer but, this hasn't hit me nearly as hard as going gluten free did because I think I've been there done that.  Now, I am just doing what needs to be done and trying to not overthink it too much.  I am however; struggling with meals as I so dislike cooking and since I don't have any energy (thanks thyroid) it is hard to muster up the energy for something that I hate.  This kind of diet requires a tremendous amount of meal planning and a whole lot more cooking...life suddenly got more annoying.  So if you have any EASY recipes that actually taste good I am all ears.  Also any favorite snacks or appetizers.  Again, I repeat, EASY is the key word for me and food.  If it is not easy I will not prepare it.  For those of you that hate cleaning you can understand..I love cleaning...hate cooking.  Just the way that I was wired.  Please share your favorite websites, cooks, food products that you love that are dairy free etc.  

I do have a praise report.  After being dairy free for 4 days I have already noticed a significant decline in the amount of phlegm in my throat.  I am use to clearing my throat dozens of time in an hour.  That constant clearing also contributed to why my throat was often sore and scratchy...all that clearing takes a toll on the throat and vocal chords.  I am not choking on phlegm anymore either.  I use to more or less choke on the phlegm in my throat all day long...hence the constant need to clear my throat.  As I sit here typing my throat feels completely clear.  I cannot believe it actually.  I have not experienced this ever in my entire life...so I am still being cautious about jumping to a conclusion.  I will report again in a month or two and let you all know if the result continues to be the same.  But, wow! This could be a huge improvement in the making.  

I am also in the  process of leaving my current endocrinologist and scheduling an appointment with a new endocrine specialist and one of the best in the area.  I am hoping that a new set of eyes on my situation might shed more light on things.  I am very hopeful.  I am very tired and tired of feeling lousy but so hopeful.  I will also keep you posted on things after I meet with the new specialist.  

This past weekend I went to a really fun museum with my kiddo and some of our good friends.  I felt my throat and voice fading as the day went on and the soreness was extra intense.  By bedtime I had a splitting headache, zero voice and sores deep down in my throat...as if I had torn the skin from overexerting it so much.  Crazy I know but, that is what I am battling with a thyroid so diseased and so unstable. It has been three days since the museum outing and talking still hurts and my neck is crazy swollen in a strangle hold. I have been avoiding people and talking situations so that I can rest my vocal chords and hopefully bring down the inflammation a bit.  

This latest bout with laryngitis  is what brings me to my keyboard keys today.  My keys are giving me a voice.  I love talking and I love talking to people and listening to them.  I love communication and the gift that it is.  It is strange that my voice is under attack. It is strange to be pursuing silence when all I want to do is talk.  But, it brought me to my blog and I haven't been able to blog in almost two years...not of anything of any importance.  So maybe that is something to smile about.  I have missed having something to write about and it seems that now I have something to say.  

Let's face it.  It sucks to be sick.  It is a bummer to not feel great every day and still try so hard to find the energy to be a good mom, wife and friend.  It is embarrassing to be that person.  What I mean by that person, is the person that it seems so many people want to avoid because sickness makes people uncomfortable...and I think the reason for this is simply that so many of us really don't know how to help each other or what to say. That is understandable.   

The lows and hurts in life teach us compassion and build our empathy for others.  The painful losses teach us how to comfort others in their losses.  The sicknesses and journeys that we each take in our sickness teach us how to come alongside others who get sick.  This is really what life is all about.  The purpose of life...the meaning of life....is helping each other out.  We are here to reach out and lift up those around us because we have learned what it is to walk in those shoes....and if you haven't yet learned something, don't worry your time will come.  And that is not a threat..just a gentle truth.  Life is a great teacher. With each day that passes we should all be learning to become a little more selfless and a little more serving and giving because we get it...because we have learned that we are all in this together.  I am here for you and you are here for me and together we rise so much stronger.     

If you know someone who struggles with a chronic illness or depression etc. pray with them often.  Encourage them spiritually to not grow weary in their battle because trust me, it is exhausting. Ask how you can help them.  Maybe offer a meal once in a while and do it even if they say they don't need it because....they really do.  Offer to watch their kids or suggest they take a nap while you clean up for them. Listen.  Just let them talk and try to withhold your desire to fix them or tell them what is actually wrong with them according to you.  Listen some more.  People who are struggling need ears...and willing ears are hard to find these days.  Be an ear.  I am here to listen to you because I care about you.  Tell me about your day?  How are you feeling?  What is it like to battle with ....disease everyday? What is your next step? Is there anything I can do? Validate them. That must be so difficult. I can only imagine.  You are doing an amazing job in spite of how awful you feel.  Check in periodically.  Rally around that person.  Tell them how proud you are of them for fighting so hard everyday.  Tell them that they inspire you.  Tell them that you are here for them always. Build that person up with kindness and hope.  Heaven knows they need it!  You may not understand what they are battling and that is understandable.  You can look up their condition. Read up on what they are facing and inform yourself. It might be eye opening and might increase your compassion.   

Thankfully, I have a wonderful support system but, I know many who do not....especially men because more often than not they do not reach out the way that women do.  If you know a man who struggles...reach in and be there for him.  Don't assume that because a person is smiling that they are ok...that is just silly honestly.  Seek to know the heart of a person...not just the outer expression that you are seeing.  The heart often tells a very different story.  People are like books...the outside is just the cover...open the book, take some time and read it and you might actually learn a few things. 

If you have known me for any length of time you know that Jesus is my rock.  Jesus is my anchor.  He is my hope and my light and my strength.  Some people are battling something right now who really do feel utterly alone so I want to assure you that Jesus is with you right now.  You are not alone.  I promise you that.  Talk to him.  Tell him all about how you are feeling.  He wants to hear from you.  He cares for you and he will never leave you.  Jesus is the light that never goes out, even when all around seems so dark.  

On that note:  God Bless you all and have a great night! 

To Every Parent With a Spirited Child

If you have a spirited kiddo.  I just want you to know...I LUV YAH AND YOU ARE AWESOME. 

Before my son was born, patience came more naturally to me and so many of my friends would comment on how "patient I was all the time." Not trying to brag...it's just a fact...excuse me, it was a fact.

 

 I cherished every second of motherhood with my only kiddo and I delighted in my role as a stay at home mom.  I probably only raised my voice once at my daughter in five years.  She was an easy kiddo overall.  She was always smiling and so content to observe everything.  She made me feel so loved (which I realize isn't her job but, it was an extra treat!)because I was always able to calm her down, cheer her up and make her feel better in any given situation.  She required literally slim to no physical discipline because all I had to say was a gentle, "no, no," and she would move on to something else.  She has been my best buddy, literally since the moment she was born. Ahhhhh, the good ol' days.  

Then my son was born...and don't freak out on me people.  I ADORE my son and I LOVE having a son.  Bruin is SO unbelievably cute and incredibly funny.  He is a great sleeper and the sweetest snuggle buddy that there ever was.  I will brag more about him later but, for now I need to vent/complain/be real/be crazy. 

My son, my son.  

He is spirited and passionate and extremely LOUD.  

He was pretty mellow for the first 6 weeks of his life and then he took a sharp turn and just started crying 88.9% of every day.  

We tried everything that good parents try to rule out all of the possible causes.  Hungry? Nope. Poopy? Nope.  Tired? Nope.  Too hot?  Nope. Too cold? Nope.  We were told that maybe he was just a colicky kid. That actually gave us a sense of peace because now we had light in the tunnel.  

It was SO mentally draining to not be able to cheer up my son.  The constant crying depleted me in every way and I often felt like my child didn't even like me or need me.  That wasn't true of course but, it felt that way and it hurt so much.  It was a very discouraging season (well, technically it is still ongoing but, not quite as hard I guess.) I didn't want to go anywhere because I didn't want to have to talk over a screaming child or shop with a screaming child etc.  That's not fun at all.  On the other hand, sometimes he surprised me and enjoyed himself at a play date etc. and that was such a HUGE treat.  But, the unpredictable nature of his mood, made it so hard to want to go anywhere.  

A year passed and I realized that I wasn't dealing with colic at all...I had just been given the great honor of raising a spirited child.  

I couldn't help but, think back on all of the times that I saw a mom (or friend) struggling with her screaming child in every store I had ever been in.  I used to feel bad for the child (and the mother of course too but, mostly the sad child).  I wondered if the mother just didn't understand her child very well or maybe she wasn't a very patient mother.  It actually hurt my heart to hear children screaming because I had never really experienced that kind of screaming before.  I wanted to go hug those kiddos and help calm them down because hugs and sweet words worked perfectly with my daughter. 

Surely, those things worked for all children! 

I thought my patience and gentleness were a big part of the reason why my daughter was so sweet and easy. 

 Psh. Not at all.  Ok. Well, maybe like 5% of the reason.  I deserve a little credit I guess. 

When my son sets his mind to something, there is nothing on Earth that will deter him from what he wants. I suppose that would be okay if we only had to deal with one thing like that every day but, the thing about strong-willed kiddos is...that is every moment of their life.   

Diaper changes = hiding and avoiding and when caught, screaming, flailing and nashing of teeth. 

Getting dressed = clothes too tight, too small, too scratchy, too cold, too hot, too blue, too white, too cute, too clean. 

Hats = forget about it. never ever ever....getting back together.    

Gloves in subzero temperatures = throwing them on the ground and screaming NOOOOO.  Oh you can keep trying to put them on and keep demanding that they stay on but, CHILD WILL WIN.  You just give up and let their hands freeze.  THERE IS NO OTHER WAY.

Grocery shopping = 10.2 seconds of calm before said strong willed child scans the store and finds something to ask for and then screams the entire duration of the trip because you say no.  They will also ask through snot and tears for the item at least 1.4 million more times before you get to the cash register and ask if they sell a pill to euthanize yourself. 

I bring snacks, toys and cell phones to the store as well but, when a spirited kiddo wants something it's all over.  Goodnight.  

Oh and P.S. They will also scream the entire way home from the store in the car. 

Wiping dirty noses = lots and lots and lots of screaming.  Sounds like someone is being chopped into tiny pieces every time.

Meal Time = a slow painful death.  They stare at the food you lovingly prepared for them and then pick it up and throw it.  You discipline in love and they careth not...and do it all over again.  You even try to make their favorite food...or a special meal just for them and even still they decide that at that given moment...it is not their favorite meal after all and you have yet again FAILED. 

I eat most meals in somber silence trying desperately to crawl away in my mind to some happier place. 

Getting in the car = sounds simple enough.  WRONG.  I never knew how stiff the human body could become while still alive.  A two year old child can simply refuse to bend into the sitting position required by most car seats.  You can even put most of your shoulder wait gently against their body and they will still be stronger than you and don't forget, they will be pulling your hair whilst you attempt to bend them.  

 

Buying your child a toy = Of course you love your strong willed child so occasionally you want to buy them something fun.  JUST DON'T.  The color and size will be wrong. They will want to open the box immediately and will refuse to wait to get to the register.  Then they will ask for "MORE," and throw the goodie on the ground because it is just not GOOD ENOUGH.  You will then go and buy yourself a goodie to ease your suffering. 

Strong willed kids are not bad children.  They are not poorly raised children.  They are not brats.  They can be very WELL LOVED and yet they are simply spirited.  That is all.  

I've changed drastically between child one and child two.  I've even learned that each of my children require a completely different parenting style from me.  That has been and will continue to be a tough skill to learn and implement.  

Daisy is quick to learn and obey.  She requires a gentle tone and very little follow through.  She has a heart that loves to please and usually obey.  

Bruin requires a much firmer tone and follow through...every. single. time.  He still needs lots of love and positive affirmation too of course.  He is a super sensitive little guy.  But, I quickly realized that the way I parent Daisy was not working with Bruin.  Bruin's nature is to resist direction at all costs.  LOL.  Gosh, I love him.  

  I have learned so much about people and life from my two children.   I have a million times more compassion for Mothers with strong willed kiddos.  I've also learned that as parents we must be willing to adjust ourselves and our parenting styles to bring out the best in each of our kiddos.  That is what love does.  It's hard and it hurts sometimes but, it's wise.  I've learned that I can create two humans in my stomach and they can look pretty dang similar on the outside but, be NOTHING alike on the inside.  I can love them both just as passionately but, they will still be vastly different people. 

To Every Parent with a Strong Willed Child, I send you my love, encouragement, support and zero judgement.  Carry on Momma.  Keep loving your spirited kiddo with all your heart and I will do the same.  It won't be long before we will get to enjoy seeing what awesome little leaders these kiddos turn out to be.  God will take care of the rest! 

Peace. Love. 

Casey 

 

 

 

  

New Years Thoughts

I haven't blogged in so long.  I go back and forth on the idea of shutting this blog down for good but, evidently I am not quite ready to part with this little creative space that was such a comfort to me for so many years.

I have had so many thoughts bouncing around in my head lately as we approached this new year.  I am hoping that I will be able to articulate at least a few of them here today to share with you all.  

Life is such a roller coaster isn't it.  It's such an adventure of mountain peaks, falls from that mountain peak, climbs back up and valleys...sometimes long, hard valleys.  We would be foolish to think that we will always stay up on the mountain tops of life but, on the other hand it is also wise to cherish the mountain top seasons.  We also have to find the strength in God to survive in the valley.  To walk through it no matter how long it might take.  Seasons are a part of life.   

I would say that I am in one of those climbing seasons.  A season that I can't quite call a mountain top but, I am overjoyed to say that I am no longer in a valley...today:).  I'm climbing...going wherever God leads me and feeling quite sure that I'm climbing out of something long and hard and into something new and much lighter.  Today, I am not weighted down as much by heartache, sorrow, brokenness or financial burden as I was for so many years.  I say today, because we never know what tomorrow will bring right.  I celebrate this simple moment right now.  Right now I am soaking up January 1st, 2017 to the best of my ability. This quieter moment carved out of my time here on Earth, that isn't so full of pain that every moment feels like drowning.  I know those moments so well.  

Throughout this year I saw a lot of friends walk through valley seasons.  So many were dealt the blow of a very dear loved one passing on.  A friend of mine just lost her husband days before Christmas to cancer.  Another friend of mine just told me that she was just diagnosed with brain cancer a few weeks ago...please keep her in your prayers! Cancer took far too many lives as it so often does.  I saw friends struggle with various hardships and challenges.  So many marriages came to a heartbreaking end.  Some friends battled health issues and chronic debilitating pain, depression, infertility heartache.  And then on a broader scale I just observed the world and all the suffering in it.  It's a lot of hurt.  I know that hurt.  Or at least I have tasted it.  More importantly, Jesus knows that hurt better than anyone. 

In stark contrast, I celebrated the mountain top seasons with many friends. I celebrated the miracle of life with many friends and family members as they shared pregnancy announcements or gave birth to one of the greatest gifts life can bring...a precious child.  I celebrated birthdays, weddings, marital victories (praise you Jesus!), my own sister's cancer free report at the end of 2016 (Hallelujah!!).  I celebrated that my own home life and marriage have come so far over the past few years.  I celebrated that I was even in a place in life that I could enjoy celebrating a little bit this past year.  That last revelation made my heart leap with gratitude over and over again.  

For so many years celebrating felt so hollow and contrived.  For so many years I was too weak to put on the mask and pretend like life is always a picnic but, I did it anyways.  Every time I put that mask on to please the people I felt myself dying more and more inside   In this superficial, social media driven culture that we live in, we quickly realize that going through hard times publicly is unpopular and a downer to other people.  It makes people uncomfortable when someone airs their "dirty laundry," and it seems to send a silent message, "steer clear of that person! They have problems and their life is a mess.  They are too emotional.  They are depressed.  They are a kill joy."  So people hide their trouble.  People suffer in silence.  They pretend on the outside and break quietly on the inside.

Oh but, if you only know how close Jesus is to the broken, the lonely and the lost.  He...is...so....close to you.  He takes that mask that you have put on every day to please the people and he throws it in the fire and he pulls you into His arms and holds you as you weep.  He holds you as you cry, for days, weeks and even years. He never lets go when life gets ugly.  He understands that losing a child....or a loved one unexpectedly is not something that you just get over in a day.  He knows that you might struggle with a loss for the rest of your Earthly days.  He knows that watching a loved one battle cancer for years and years is not an easy load to carry.  He knows that longing ache for a child doesn't get easier with each passing year.  He knows the pain of loneliness as you wait for a love to share your life with. He knows that some seasons in life are long and hard and He isn't turned off by your pain.  He is walking with you in it.  He did walk in it...Up the hill of calvary and on to the splintered, nail-pierced cross.  He is with you, always.  

I may not be in the valley today but, I still know the pain of it so well I can taste it.  I saw the valley pain on the faces of so many friends and loved ones this year.  I don't ever want to get to a point that I have lost the ability to walk in the valley with a friend because I am too wrapped up on my mountain top bubble.  Can we enjoy the mountain top seasons and still walk in the valley with the broken?  Can we stop being so afraid of pain that we run from those whose lives are riddled with it?  

As I approached the new year I asked the Lord what word He had for me this year.  I often feel like the Lord puts a word on my heart at the start of each new year.  This word often comes to me after prayer and Bible reading.  One year my word was rest.  This was at a time that my hubby was still very sick and battling through late stage lymes disease, medical bills were sky high and life was just very, very hard.  I had literally zero strength left but, as a Christian I felt guilty if I wasn't still constantly doing something, serving and saying yes to everything.  BUT God, told me to rest and told me to learn to say no.  It was a hard word to submit to that year but, it just might have saved my feeble sanity. Rest....when, God says it, listen to him.  He knows best.  

A couple of years later I was given the word organization.  Maybe some of us think of a neat and tidy house but, that was only the surface of what the word meant for me.  I was meant to focus on taking back my broken life and organizing it one piece at a time.  That did translate into a house wide purge, a better system for planning and keeping track of information as well as getting order back in my marriage and spiritual life. If your life is feeling especially chaotic or out of control then maybe organization might be a good word for you! 

Early in December I was reading my Bible and I read a passage out of Hebrews Chapter 12 verses 1-3.  I've probably read this passage a dozen times or more but, this time the words jumped off the page, grabbed my shoulders and shook me while saying, "are you listening?  I'm talking to you here!"  It wasn't exactly like that but, then again it sort of was.  For those who have the ears to hear...the Bible is so alive it's scary (scary awesome) sometimes.  Watch out.  God is always talking and I guarantee He has something that He wants to say that is just for you. 

Now, keep in mind that this passage was meant for me in that moment.  It may be that it is not meant for anyone else right in this moment but, I am sharing anyways...well, because I want to.  

Hebrews 12:1-3  "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.  And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.  Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith.  For the joy set before him He endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."  

It wasn't the entire passage that jumped out at me initially but, the simple, "let us throw off everything that hinders," part of the verse.  That was it. 

I sat there a little stunned by how much the words resonated with me and then read the passage over and over again.  Then I started asking God why He let the passage jump out at me.  What did He want me to do with the words that I was hearing as if for the first time?  

I am coming out of a long season of pain and valley and I'm in the climb again.  What helps us to climb again?  Throwing off the things that are holding us down.  I quite literally COULD NOT throw anything off last year, or the year before, or the year before that...and so on.  God understands that we can't always flip a switch on our pain and climb.  Sometimes walking in the pain is an inescapable part of our life process and journey.  Many of us are completely re-shaped and re-made by the pain of the valley.  God also knows the EXACT moment at which YOU ARE READY to climb out and up.  He is with us, every single step of the way.  

I had a lot of fun reflecting on these verses.  What is hindering me from experiencing more joy?  What is hindering me from sharing all of the things that God puts on my heart?  What am I afraid of? 

The truth kind of embarrassed me because, I didn't even see it.  

I'm way too afraid of people and what people think of me.  

Whaaaaa...honestly, it isn't something that I have ever thought of as a problem.  I am a friendly, social person and I love people.  I don't really have issues with people on the personal level of interaction.  If you meet me...watch out, because I will befriend you...all of you. lol....kidding not kidding...

On the other hand, there is public speaking .  It is literally my biggest fear....I think I just got nauseated thinking about it. Uggg...But even that didn't feel like everything that I was supposed to get out of this revelation. 

I also have so many friends and family members who do not believe in Jesus and thus I am always trying to find a loving balance (and failing miserably) between respecting all of our differences but, also enjoying the freedom to be me, someone who loves Jesus and whose identity is quite literally woven in Him.  I love talking about my faith and what God is doing but, I also don't want people to think that I am trying to force Him on them.  That is never my motive.  I just love telling stories, writing, sharing and being a Christ-follower.  I don't expect everyone to agree with my faith and I hope people that know me best know that my intention is to share love and my motivation is to be encouraging to others. 

I also get embarrassed that I analyze life so much and that I can be so sensitive to the pain of others.  It would be great to be a super silly, light-hearted person but, I am not sure if I will ever be that person nor that I was meant to be.  I am able to love on certain people because of how God made me and in the same manner you were made the way you are to love on and bless other people.  And if we all walk freely in who we are in Him, we just might make a real heck of a difference in this world.  What a beautiful, beautiful thing.  

FREEDOM.

That is my word for 2017.  Freedom.  

The first step is seeing the words when God gives them, then receiving them in our hearts and then declaring and claiming them in our lives. 

I wrote all of this because my heart's desire will always be to make sure that people in the valley know just how loved they are by God....and by me.  

You may be in a new valley.  If so, I pray that you would ask God to hold you close and give you strength for each and every pain filled day.  He is with you! He loves you!  He hears you!  I pray that your valley season is not long and I pray that you hold tightly to the truth that you can walk through this in Him and with Him.  One day at a time you can walk this hard walk through to the other side. And don't forget to put on your armor (Ephesians 6:10-18) every day, because the battle is for real.  

 Maybe you have been in a valley for some time.  If so, I pray that you begin to see a new light shining off in the distance. I pray that your time to climb out is coming soon.  Glory to God I pray it's coming soon.  Keep marching.  Keep pressing on.  He is with you!  He loves you!  He hears you! 

And then I felt this on my heart...loud and clear.  

God's people CAN DO HARD THINGS.  What do I mean by that?  Well, it was a reminder to me that I serve an all powerful, all knowing, supernatural God.  I think that so many Christians are discouraged (as I was for SO dang long) and need to be reminded that just like the little engine who could and who said, "I think I can, I think I can...,"  In Christ, WE CAN and we need to KNOW in our spirit that we can.  In Christ, we are loved just as we are.  In Christ, we are never alone.  In Christ, we have all that we need.  In Christ we are conquerors.  In Christ, We are able to face tomorrow because WE KNOW who holds tomorrow and all that ETERNITY holds for us.  In Christ, we can walk through the valley and trust that He can see what we cannot.  

I was so sick over Christmas break but, my Momma who I have not seen in a year and a half was here with me.  My Momma is amazing.  She is the reason I know Jesus and she is such a great counselor and friend.  She made breakfast for all of us each morning; she played with the kiddos a lot to keep them out of my hair, she folded laundry, she emptied the dishwasher, she gave me back messages and foot messages...she loved on me in my sickness and you know what...it was the most wonderful Christmas in spite of having the flu. 

I reflected on that for a while too.  Having someone so comforting and loving around in my suffering made it not just bearable but, possible and I even enjoyed my time a little bit too.  It was a little Christmas miracle. 

And so to, we have CHRIST to comfort and love on us in our suffering always.  Maybe sometimes we need to be more intentional about inviting him to sit next to us on the couch for a chat.  Or inviting him to hold us while we weep.  Maybe we need to invite Him to speak to us by reading our Bibles or spending time with Him in prayer.  Maybe we push Him away more than we realize?   Maybe we choose just about everything but, Him to fill our void when we are hurting and we wonder why we don't feel His presence more.  I've sure been there and I'm sure I will be there again someday as life is so full of circles. 

The good news is...that is what we are all here for!  To encourage one another on in our races and to remind each other of all the things that we so easily forget when times get hard.    

For some, 2017 is looking like a year full of excitement and possibility!  For others it is just another year of trial and heartache.  Wherever you are at, God is with you and His love for you is infinitely deeper than your deepest valley and infinitely higher than your highest mountain top.  

I pray that regardless of what resolutions you may have made or not made, that you feel God moving in your life this year more powerfully than the last.  That you recognize His great love for you more clearly than past years.  That we would all grow and throw off the things that hinder us and the sin that entangles us and run our races with perseverance. 

Because Christ endured the Cross WITH JOY for us because HE KNEW what the outcome was.  He knew that he could take the torture, the pain and even conquer death because it was worth what He could give us in return....eternal life and a Heavenly paradise.  

"How great is the love that the Father has lavished on us that we should be called children of God!"

1 John 3:1

Much love to you all. Whatever steps you take this year, take them with Him. xo

Human Perspective vs. God's perspective.

I'm in the process of reading through the New Testament again.  I got the Beautiful Word Journal Bible recently and I LOVE it.   I think I can say this has been the most me Bible that I have ever had because it is full of color, journal art and sidebars for me to write my thoughts as I go.  It's pretty and fun:)

When I was a kid I remember vividly that the last thing on Earth I wanted to voluntarily read was the Bible.  It was SO boring to me.  I really enjoyed reading through the Comic Bible and the Kids Study Bible but, I didn't carve out time to sit and study on a regular basis.  I couldn't have imagined then that the Bible would be my favorite book today or that I would look forward to every study session.

One of my favorite things about reading the Bible with the intention of learning something new is just that...there is always something new to be found.  The words in the Bible never get old.  Each time I read, I find that I learn something that I never knew before.

Sometimes I will read a chapter and then just sit back, blown away by the depth that I have missed so many times before.  I will wonder how I never understood what that passage really meant until now and I will recall the Bible verses, "he who has eyes let him see and he who has ears let him hear." I don't think our eyes are always open to see everything all at once.  Learning about who God is and what His words mean is a process of understanding and growing that continues for a lifetime.


This time as I read my Bible, I am taking my time and trying to really think on every verse with more intention than I did the last time I read through.  The last time I did a Bible read through I was more concerned with quickly reading through to accomplish my goal than I was concerned about actually learning a whole lot...probably not the brightest goal I have had but, I was young lass.

While reading today, I found myself really mulling around a short passage in Matthew chapter 16.  Jesus is beginning to prepare his disciple dude friends for his imminent Crucifixion.  He tells them that he is about to suffer many things at the hands of the leaders, priests and teachers of the law. (v. 21).  He tells them that these people are going to kill him but, on the third day he will be raised back to life.  

Can you imagine your bestie telling you that someone is about to kidnap/capture/arrest them and then brutally torture and murder them?  

Yah, I can't either. 

But, that is exactly what Jesus just dropped on his bros.  

A bomb shell.  

I think many of us would respond the same way as Peter does...

"Never, Lord! This shall never happen to you!" (v. 22) 

We would all say that to a loved one right?  In our own words of course.

I would probably say something more like, "Heck no!  I'm not going to stand by and let anyone hurt you.  They will have to come through me first.  This is insanity!!"

 I would do anything in my power to protect a friend or family member who was being threatened by someone else.  Or to look at this from another angle, I would do anything in my power to prevent anyone I love from ever having to feel pain of any kind.  If I could prevent someone from suffering somehow, I would do it.  Wouldn't you?  The last thing we ever want is to see anyone struggle. That is what we humans do for each other.  We generally don't stand aside as our friends are being abused or mistreated.  We stand up for them.  We fight for them.  We defend and protect them.  

But, Jesus doesn't want Peter's protection or his involvement and not only that, Jesus has some strong words for him.  

"Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns."  (v.23)

Um.  Mega Ouch.  

My feelings would be hurt.  He just called me Satan?!  :( Sad face.

But, here's the thing, Jesus sees everything and Jesus knows everything.  He sees the past, present and the future.

We see the past and we see a portion of the present (with our limited understanding and wisdom) but, we certainly can't forsee the future, despite our best efforts to.

Jesus sees through the lens of eternity whereas, we often see only through the lens of our present troubles, struggles or circumstances.

Jesus knew that He would have to suffer many horrible things in order to fulfill something so much greater and bigger than His present suffering.

In this situation, the greater thing was the salvation of the entire world.

So yah, that was a big deal.

A deal that we could not see or understand with our human eyes and logic.

Peter could only see and feel the present moment.   He may have been feeling anger.  He may have been feeling fear.  Ultimately, he didn't want his friend to have to suffer or die.

 He couldn't recognize that the pain and suffering that Jesus was going to endure might be something that he would have to allow his friend to endure in order to bring about something GREAT for eternity.

How often are we like more like Peter and less like Jesus when it comes to how we respond and deal with the  pain, suffering, trial and struggle in our lives and in the lives of those around us?

Like allllllll the time right.

Yes.  Me too.

When I found out that the pain my sister had been having in her knee for some time was a tumor I instantly felt anxious.  My entire family began praying and believing for the tumor to be benign or praying for God to remove the tumor completely.  We believed for healing for my sister.  We were filled with hope because prayer is encouraging and believing for healing and waiting for it with anticipation is exciting.

My mom called me a few days later to tell me that the results had come back and my sister's tumor was not benign and in fact was a very aggressive form of bone cancer, called osteosarcoma.

There was a lot of shock initially because the news of cancer is such a bombshell.

I know far too many people whose lives have been cut short because of cancer.

The shock begins to fade as the reality of the diagnosis sets in and then anger crept in.

We prayed for a healing.  We believed for a miracle.  I know God is able!!  Why are you allowing this to go on God?  Why would you do this to my baby sister?  I'm mad at you God...please don't strike me dead for being so honest, but, I am mad at you.  This isn't fair.

I absolutely felt like Peter.  No. No. No.  This is not happening.  I will not allow it.

And you know what, the truth is that I can't explain exactly why God allows so many people to suffer and die "before their time."

I  do however; believe that scripture is very clear that God is not the one who afflicts. He hasn't given my sister cancer but, he hasn't healed her yet either.

I also believe that scripture makes it EXTREMELY clear that pain and suffering is most definitely a part of life here on this Earth and no one can escape it.  I also believe that scripture makes it clear that we grow and learn so much as a result of our hardships here on this Earth.  Make no mistake, we can grow poorly or grow beautifully.  I suppose that outcome is up to us.  I believe that scripture makes it clear that the suffering itself is not good but, what can come out of it can be.  My sister having cancer is not good.  My sister suffering is not good.  But, God is good and he can bring something good out of this horrible thing.  He DOES bring good out of horrible things.  That is who God is.

I also know that I am not God.  As much as I try to have an eternal mindset and understand the things of God, I am certain that I only see a microscopic piece of the big picture.  I don't know what good things God is planting, growing and moving at this very moment.  I don't know whose lives are being impacted by my sister's strength and bravery as she fights this awful disease.

So instead of beating my chest for healing for my sister every minute of every day, I am believing that God will heal her in His timing.  I can rest in that truth.

I don't know what He is doing but, I trust Him.

Instead, I am focusing my energy on trusting God in this season and trusting that I cannot see it all.  I am trusting that he loves my sister dearly and that he is holding her, ministering to her weary spirit and growing her beautifully even in this not good thing we call cancer.  God is good.

My Mom and I love talking about our Bible readings together.  We love talking about faith together.  She is my favorite counselor and mentor.  One thing she has said to me on many occasions is, "that's great Case and I understand what you are saying but, where is that in the Bible."  In other words, I understand that you are frustrated about what you are going through and you have every right to be but, can you back up that attitude with scripture.  Can you back up that belief with scripture?  Can you back up that choice with scripture?

Sometimes we are so sure that we have the things of God on our minds.  We can totally convince ourselves that God would agree with us and support our thoughts, choices, actions etc. but, more often than not we are acting like Peter.  We think we know what's best but, we really don't have a clue about what's going on in the big picture.


 God doesn't see life the way we do.  He has a different perspective and as Christians that is the perspective that we are supposed to desire.  An eternal perspective. The bigger picture type of perspective.  This world is not our home type of perspective.  Denying yourself and taking up your cross every day type of perspective.

There will be so many times in our lives when we will have to face something really, really tough and we will always have a choice to walk through those seasons; with a big picture perspective or with near-sighted vision.

The truth is that the big picture perspective often requires more of us.  It's a narrow path with a really tiny gate and it's easy to miss it.  It's so much easier and even more natural to our flesh to opt for that wide path with the giant gate right next door but, it leads to destruction as scripture says.  The big picture, eternal perspective often requires us to endure and press on.  It often requires us to say no to the fire escape and walk through the fire.

Ouch.

Why?

Because, put simply, the things of God are not like the things of this world and in all honesty we will never fully understand the ways of God while on this Earth.  We do know by reading scripture that the things of God are SO SO much bigger than we can ever fully grasp here on this Earth.

I know that can sound so cheap to someone who is going through something horrible right now.

I know this can also sound like crazy talk to someone who doesn't have a personal relationship with Jesus.

I understand.

It's really not something you can understand until you walk it and even then it is a never ending journey of faith but, can I just say that once you put on these eternal glasses, life will look a lot different.


So the next time you find yourself at a crossroads, in the middle of a storm or confused about what to do regarding your circumstances, take the time to really pray about your situation and wait on God for answers.  You know what?  You might have to wait a while so ask God for patience while you are at it.

I have been given some of the most life changing answers because of the storms I have endured in my life and others I am still waiting on but, I know someday it will all become crystal clear.

Take the time to search out scripture for answers and guidance.  This will always strengthen your vision and through that time of study God will give you direction.

Press on mighty warrior.  Press on.

Random Musings On Life Through the Lens of A People-Loving Introvert

I am an introvert.

I have come to realize that introvert is a broad category and within that category are lots and lots of different types of people. Duh.  You already knew that.  You smarty pants you.  

I am this type of introvert:

My sanity and energy is only replenished when I am alone.   I would literally die without a BIG pinch of alone time every single day.  I would DIE.

No, I am not being dramatic.

Alone time usually consists of me doing some very relaxing activity like reading my bible, staring at a wall, watching a show, talking to myself, browsing on my cell phone, taking a 20 minute cat nap, or curling up in the fetal position on the floor.  Don't laugh...you know you do it to...okay, you can laugh;).

Alone time must be in my home.  Not at a coffee shop.  Not as a guest in someone else's house.  Not at a store without kids.  Alone, in my home.

My home is my sanctuary.

My home is the only place that I feel completely relaxed and free to be me.  It is my escape.  I could even go so far as to say that alone time in my home is a vacation for me.  I am genuinely refreshed best in that time and space.

If I am a dead battery, then my home is the charger and the longer that I am away from my charger, the lower my battery level gets.

I love quiet spaces....They don't have to be silent..just not loud.  I don't want to hear any screaming kids, blasting music or TV, nor chatty people or wild hubby...just me and a mellow room = Bliss.

I never enjoyed sleep overs as a kid (though I did get through a fair amount) because I never enjoyed chatting with a friend until late in the evening.  I was always too tired to keep that up...probably because all of the high pitched talking and excessive giggling had completely fried my mother board.

I struggle with sharing a space with anyone other than my immediate family for too long.  Like I really do not enjoy it.

Some introverts do just fine sharing their space with others during a family reunion trip at a resort or at the beach or maybe during the holidays etc.  Good for them.  No me gusta.

I can handle a couple of days or maybe three at best and then I begin short circuiting.  It actually feels very much like I am running on a week without sleep after a few days of non-stop visitors and noise.

My brain and body begin shutting down.  Literally.

What is the problem?  Well, the problem is that I am unable to get the alone time that I desperately need to recharge when I am in the constant company of others.  My routine gets tossed out the window during long social events and I really rely on a routine for sanity.  

If you are already judging me at this point then you are an extrovert and you will never understand so just move along (wink).

I do not require a girl's night out each week to keep my stuff together.  I get my stuff together when you all go out and leave me at home...alone.

LOL.

On the other hand, I LOVE my friends.  LOVE. LOVE. Love each and every one of them.  I love communicating (something that many introverts hate).  I love keeping in touch.  I love e-mailing, texting, voxing, facebooking, instagramming.  I care about my friends more than words can express.

It is only BECAUSE I love my friends so much that I will pull together every scrap of social energy that I have left after a long day of play dates and battling opinionated little humans, to meet up for coffee or whatever we decide on.

 In other words, I will sacrifice my beloved evening alone time....my time of refreshment, for my friends, because I care about relationships and I recognize that they do require investment in order to thrive.

And I do LOVE those outings when they do happen because I love the people I am gathering with.   It is good for the soul to have girl time and I understand the great value of finding social balance in life...even for an introvert.

I may have to push myself much harder than an extrovert to get together with friends but, the friendships that have been built out of these efforts are priceless to me.

I have been blessed with some of the most amazing girl friends a gal could ask for.  Friends that I have known since I was a child, friends from school, church, my new state and even new friends that I have made through social media.

Building quality relationships isn't always easy for an introvert...or maybe it isn't always easy for extroverts as well....I dunno.  Extroverts, thoughts?

It is hard work sometimes and it is certainly not always an easy path to navigate with women because we are all so guarded more often than not but, it is so rewarding for me to invest in people this way.

We are all quite similar behind all the masks that we hide behind.  We all just want to be loved and accepted for who we are.  Right?

My greatest joy in life is encouraging others...and that is an interesting thing to derive joy from when you are an introvert who loves being alone.

Encouragement is the gift that God has given me and it is the one thing in life that when I give it away I too am blessed tremendously as well.

Basically, I am an introvert who loves being alone but, I love investing in people just as much.

Definitely an interesting tug of war at times.

 I often have four or five play dates a week.  That is a lot for an introvert like me but, I love helping my kids to build friendships and I love being able to build mine at the same time.  I also prefer keeping busy with my kiddos than attempting to get through each long day on my own at home.  That is far harder for me.

I feel much more social during the day than I do at night, so play dates are a great way to meet up with my friends and entertain my kids at the same time.

But, even after a three-ish hour play date I am completely and utterly wiped out.  Yes, the play dates are worth it and yes, I enjoy them but, three solid hours of conversation makes me so sleepy.  If I hit that crashing point, my brain will just abruptly stop producing logical conversation.  It becomes a tremendous struggle to stay present.  My eyes might even feel a bit glossed over and my brain feels like it is in a daze.  I'm so done.

 And yes, it can be such a bummer to be an introvert when these types of things happen.

Talking on the phone....well, I love it and I hate it.   I only talk on the phone regularly with a handful of people....like, five.  Talking on the phone is a social activity and once again it takes energy away from an introvert like me.

Why is talking on the phone depleting for an introvert?  Who knows.  Well, I do have some theories but, it would take too long to go into that now...It just is.  So there.

A good friend of mine asked me if I would ever consider renting a beach house with a group of friends for a week.  I said...no, probably not.  I told her that I could handle a couple of nights but, that would be all and I would be whipped after two nights.  It wasn't easy to admit that to my friend but, I have learned that it is better to be honest up front than to make excuses later.

I could rent a beach house next door to my friend's beach house and survive that much better than sharing a space with them day in, day out, for a week.  Because I would have a space to retreat to....and I would pull away and recharge, if it all became too much.

I know how weird/strange/crazy/odd this all might sound to anyone who is not like this.

Like really is it so hard to share a house on a beautiful beach with friends for a week?

Yes. Yes, it is.

Boom.

Hosting people in my home...

For some introverts, the very thought of hosting a gathering can induce a panic attack.

Not the case for me.

I actually love inviting people into my home on occasion but, I do need to plan and prepare for it.   Although, I don't think that hospitality comes entirely natural to me, I have really enjoyed the learning process over the years.  I am a slow learner but, I am getting there.

I take note of what other women do when I am in their homes that makes me feel more welcome and then I try to incorporate more of that into my routine with my own company.

I used to host gatherings quite frequently in my home before kids.  Again, I think this is because I love people and I love bringing people together.  I love building relationships with anyone and everyone.

I am the type of person who strikes up conversation with any random person in a store, in a line, at school, in the bathroom, while on a walk, etc.  Whenever I have the time, I will linger and chat or listen if a stranger wants to.

After having kids, I lost A LOT of my drive to host.  It is a good amount of work to clean a home, prepare a meal or snacks and then entertain company and then clean the home again after it is over.  Now that more of my energy is directed towards my kiddos I have much less energy to host.

I have a feeling that I will be hosting a lot more once our kiddos are a little bit older.

I have also noticed that I need more alone time now that I have children.  I needed far less before having kids.

Kids take a lot out of me...they extract every social/mental drop out of my system each and every day.

Make no mistake, I LOVE being a mom and I LOVE being a stay at home mom.  It is a priceless gift that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.  But, it's the toughest job I have ever held without a doubt.  Amen. Amen.

When my kids are grown and I have an empty home once again, my introvert needs will change to reflect that season because I will be getting a lot more alone time every day.  I might even take that friend up on the week long beach trip then because I could handle it much better without kiddos.

We are always changing.

I like to leave lots of room for change.

This is just where I am at right now and where I have been for the past 6 years or so more or less.

Introverts, how much of this can you relate to?  I LOVE you!  You might be a nut that takes me a little longer to crack but, your hearts are so beautiful.  I love that I can relate so well to you!

And extroverts, I LOVE you.  Your energy is infectious.  Your zest for life is inspiring and you motivate me to get out of my shell.  I will never be able to keep up with you but, I love watching you GO!

hahaha.

Life is beautiful.  You are all beautiful!
And on that note,
 good night.
xoxo

Keeping Busy

It's been a full week since my last post.  Evidently, I just don't have as much to share these days but, it certainly isn't because we have nothing going on...maybe because I've had too much going on. LOL And isn't this picture of this sweet little girl looking up to the Heavens while holding her teddy just priceless.  I feel like she could be saying a little prayer, "thank you so much Jesus for my little friend teddy the bear.  He is perfect for me and I love that you give us such perfect things."  Too cute huh.  

We have been keeping busy as always. We're working on finding the right paint color for our dining room and that has been a challenge (for me). The dining room is a disaster and I don't like having disasters in my house so you can imagine my sense of urgency to get this particular project finished. tee hee. I am trying to find a nice cheerful beach blue (a soft but, cheerful blue hue) and who would have thought that choosing a blue could be so dang difficult. The swatches and samples that I buy look perfect in the store and then when I get them home and onto my wall they look too green, too gray, too purple or to aqua. I have painted about 8 colors on my wall and I think I've just about pinned one down after getting some samples from Benjamin Moore today. I love their paint! I'll be sure to share the room when it's done...in like, forever.

  I've had a couple of photography sessions over the past 3 weeks. One for a 6 month old little beauty and one for a two year old little cutie and friend of my daughter. I absolutely love photographing kids. They are so full of life and personality and they aren't worried about posing or how they look. They just do their thing and I get to take pictures of it. It's a blast!  I had SO many favorites but, I included just a few in this post to share with you all.  Aren't these girls adorable! 

Daisy has become increasingly active and energetic over the past few months.  Keeping her busy has been a better workout than any elliptical or treadmill could ever be.  We go to the park a couple of times a week, have a couple play dates every week, walk through random stores that have fun things for toddlers to touch and play with, turn the hose on everyday and spray each other, go for walks, build things with legos, color, play with play doh, read books, dance, watch shows, let her drive my car (pretend) and have a billion tea parties every single day.  WHEW...I'm tired just writing all that.  I tell my husband everyday that she is his clone when it comes to her attention span and her energy level.  Thanks honey! Yes, she wears me out lately, but she is also such a blast and talking UP A STORM!!  More on that to come.

I just love this sweet family picture. These folks are good friends of ours and photographing them as a family since their daughter was a newborn has been such a treat for me. Love being a photographer!! Really it is a lot of work but, it is SO rewarding! So yah, other than photography, getting sick a lot, working in our yard, encouraging my hubby, hanging out with friends and entertaining a toddler I haven't had a lot going on. :P.  Hope you are all having a blessed Monday.