Today is my Gram's birthday. She would be 77 years old if she were still with us (I think that's right). It's been 6.5 months since she was suddenly snatched away from us and I know that we are all still processing her passing and the loss we feel in different ways. Just a week ago or so her home was sold and the key was handed over to a new owner. (heart aching at the thought). It feels especially weird to know that I will never be able to visit my Gram or her home when I fly out to CA for a visit. Some people move a lot and their homes don't ever become terribly sentimental to them. My Gram had lived in the same house ever since my mom was a teenager so you could imagine that it held boat loads of memories for our families. The home was in a sense, another family member and I think a lot of us have had to grieve the loss of the home just as much as the woman who created it to be such a wonderful place for her family to enjoy.
I miss her so much. Like, I miss her a TON times infinity. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to call her and tell her the latest news or text her a picture of Daisy. I always sent her texts with pictures and she was by far the best responder....slow at times but, faithful and she wrote the cutest things in her replies. I miss her comments on my instagram pics and on my Facebook page. I'm sad that I won't get a call from her on my birthday this Saturday. She would be singing Happy Birthday to me in her horrible cackling singing voice that I loved. We were the only April birthdays in the family. It was special to share the month with her and we always talked about how much we loved being spring babies. We both love flowers and gardening so much and spring always put us both in a good mood. I made artichokes last night and I couldn't help but think of my Gram the entire time I prepared them and ate them. We ate some together the last time I visited. She made a big mess and we laughed about it together. It's funny how such unexpected things will trigger a memory of her. I know she would have loved Daisy's Easter outfit this year. She loved when we all dressed fancy for the holidays. She was rather old fashioned in many ways and Daisy would have made her proud this year:)
After my Gram passed, I intentionally chose to put a picture of her that I love on my fridge. For about two months it was quite painful for me to even look at the picture when I opened the fridge without being overcome with sorrow. I couldn't process the emotions that rose up inside of me.
After a couple of especially hard months, I began to want to look at her picture and smile at her. I would blow her pic a kiss every now and then. I would find myself gazing at her, forgetting the milk jug still in my hand and talk to her or just pray aloud to calm my aching heart. The thoughts that pop into my head now over 6.5 months later are rarely dark as they often were the first few months. There isn't a stabbing rush of pain in my heart when I think of her or see her picture. Don't get me wrong if I allow myself to think too long I can get sad rather quickly but, the simple day to day thinking is much more manageable. Peace is slowly trickling in (because I want it to!) and filling up the void....it's coming slowly but, it's coming. Of course there will always be moments of sadness for as long as I live but, I am hopeful and confident that time will lessen the intensity. I know my Gram would want me to live a life as full as possible for her!
I'll miss her for as long as I live and she will always be in my thoughts. Today I want to celebrate the good times and the memories we shared. Happy Birthday to you Dearest Gram!