Thinking of You Today Gram

Today is my Gram's birthday.  She would be 77 years old if she were still with us (I think that's right).   It's been 6.5 months since she was suddenly snatched away from us and I know that we are all still processing her passing and the loss we feel in different ways.   Just a week ago or so her home was sold and the key was handed over to a new owner. (heart aching at the thought).  It feels especially weird to know that I will never be able to visit my Gram or her home when I fly out to CA for a visit.  Some people move a lot and their homes don't ever become terribly sentimental to them.  My Gram had lived in the same house ever since my mom was a teenager so you could imagine that it held boat loads of memories for our families.  The home was in a sense, another family member and I think a lot of us have had to grieve the loss of the home just as much as the woman who created it to be such a wonderful place for her family to enjoy. 

I miss her so much. Like, I miss her a TON times infinity.  I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to call her and tell her the latest news or text her a picture of Daisy.  I always sent her texts with pictures and she was by far the best responder....slow at times but, faithful and she wrote the cutest things in her replies.  I miss her comments on my instagram pics and on my Facebook page.  I'm sad that I won't get a call from her on my birthday this Saturday.  She would be singing Happy Birthday to me in her horrible cackling singing voice that I loved.  We were the only April birthdays in the family.  It was special to share the month with her and we always talked about how much we loved being spring babies.  We both love flowers and gardening so much and spring always put us both in a good mood.  I made artichokes last night and I couldn't help but think of my Gram the entire time I prepared them and ate them. We ate some together the last time I visited.  She made a big mess and we laughed about it together.  It's funny how such unexpected things will trigger a memory of her.  I know she would have loved Daisy's Easter outfit this year.  She loved when we all dressed fancy for the holidays.  She was rather old fashioned in many ways and Daisy would have made her proud this year:)

After my Gram passed, I intentionally chose to put a picture of her that I love on my fridge.  For about two months it was quite painful for me to even look at the picture when I opened the fridge without being overcome with sorrow.  I couldn't process the emotions that rose up inside of me.   

After a couple of especially hard months, I began to want to look at her picture and smile at her.  I would blow her pic a kiss every now and then.  I would find myself gazing at her, forgetting the milk jug still in my hand and talk to her or just pray aloud to calm my aching heart.  The thoughts that pop into my head now over 6.5 months later are rarely dark as they often were the first few months.  There isn't a stabbing rush of pain in my heart when I think of her or see her picture.  Don't get me wrong if I allow myself to think too long I can get sad rather quickly but, the simple day to day thinking is much more manageable.  Peace is slowly trickling in (because I want it to!) and filling up the void....it's coming slowly but, it's coming.  Of course there will always be moments of sadness for as long as I live but, I am hopeful and confident that time will lessen the intensity.  I know my Gram would want me to live a life as full as possible for her!

I'll miss her for as long as I live and she will always be in my thoughts.  Today I want to celebrate the good times and the memories we shared.  Happy Birthday to you Dearest Gram!

 

Remembering Her

 Grief goes up. Grief goes down. Grief goes all around.  That is starting to sound a lot like a page out of a Dr. Seuss book the more I repeat it. hehe Anyways, I'm sure this will be one of many blog posts about my Gram as I work through the different phases of grief. Writing has always been the easiest way for me to sort through what I feel. I'm so thankful for this outlet because I don't know if I would be able to heal without a place to lay my heaviness to rest. So, bear with me as I dig deep and honor the memory of one of the most amazing people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing and loving.

 It's been a little over a week since my last living Grandparent; my Gram, Patricia Anne Marshall passed away very unexpectedly. She wasn't sick. She didn't die of old age and she was only in her 70's.  I think a lot of people assume that if a Grandparent dies that they passed on from an illness or old age.  That is how I always expected it to be with my Gram and since it wasn't it caught us all off guard.  It will take several months before the autopsy report is processed and in the meantime we will all have to find peace in the different ways that we need to find it. I'm shocked. I'm overwhelmed with emotion. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I was sure we would have her with us for many more years. I just can't believe she is gone.  With each passing day the reality begins to sink in a little more but, the ache remains like a steady knot in my stomach.  At different times of each day I find myself saying softly to myself, "I miss you so much Gram."

My Gram was the only living Grandparent that I had in my life for several years and she is definitely the Grandparent that I've always felt the closest to. No other loss has cut me as deep or as hard as this one. I don't attach easily to people and it takes me a really long time to forge a powerful bond with someone. I've grieved for all of my Grandparents but, this loss is just different. The bond was stronger. The memories vast and wonderful. There is not a piece of my life that doesn't have a part of her in it.   She was involved in every special event in my life in some way. 

 I haven't gotten much sleep in the past several days and that is unusual for me.  I'm too restless.  I'm having strange dreams.  I see her face and hear her voice when I close my eyes and that is not a bad thing at all but, it makes it much harder to fall asleep. I hear her laugh in my ears and all the memories we shared flash repeatedly through my mind. I can't imagine entering this holiday season and not having our chief of holiday affairs here to celebrate with us for the first time in nearly 30 years.

Her house is home base for our family.  It's the oasis and retreat for every grandchild on a bad day.  We've all found peace while laying by her pool and gazing up at her towering palm trees as they swayed in the California breeze. Jazz music was often playing on her outdoor sound system.  Her vast collection of wind chimes would chime away in a wild but, somehow perfect harmony.  When you closed your eyes you genuinely felt like you were at a tropical resort. Gram's house is paradise.

 This is the house that I have spent nearly 26+ years of holidays at before moving to North Carolina and even some since I moved.  Every Easter she hosted an egg hunt for the grand kids and a brunch usually followed. We were always most excited about finding a blue egg because they held a $20 bill for each grandchild. Every Halloween she served her delicious chili with saltine crackers and let us pass out boat loads of candy at her door.  We usually ate a lot of it too but, she didn't need to know that.  Every Thanksgiving she hosted a feast fit for a King and I can promise you that no one on planet Earth makes mashed potatoes as delicious as my Gram.  Every Christmas Eve she hosted yet another beautiful dinner and after we had all eaten, she would pass out a wrapped gift to each grandchild.  We already knew more or less what was inside but, we still tore our present open with great anticipation.  The beloved Christmas Jammies!!

 We always wondered who would match and what colors we would each get.  Even this past Christmas my Gram (and Aunt Pam thank you auntie) made sure to mail not only me, but, my husband and my daughter Christmas jammies to match with the rest of our family back home.  I was 28 years old this last Christmas but, I still wanted those jammies so bad because I felt so far away from all of my family in California and when I got them in the mail my heart skipped a beat.  Those jammies brought me a little closer to the celebration that I was missing. She never seemed to grow weary of tradition.  She never grew weary of spoiling her grand kids. 

 For nearly 18 years all of the grand kids would spend the night at Gram's house on Christmas Eve and wait for Santa to fly over the house.  Christmas morning we would all bound down her creaky stairs to start shaking the oodles of presents with our names on them and guessing what might be inside.  She spoiled us rotten.  Let me emphasize that....she spoiled us ROTTEN.  Her generosity with her family knew no bounds.  She was the most giving person I've ever known.  

She wasn't just generous at Christmas time.  She was generous all the time.  She always found special ways to bless everyone around her.  She always made sure to have my favorite foods at her house when I visited.  She knew I didn't like traditional store bought birthday cakes so she surprised me with an old fashioned root beer float instead.  She always remembered to call on my birthday and was so sweet to mail a birthday card and check year after year.  Our birthdays were only a few days apart; hers being on April 10th and mine being on the 13th.  She loved to treat me to sushi when I visited and we would pig out on her back patio and make a huge mess together.  She got us beautiful dresses for Easter and colorful swim suits each Summer when we were kids.  Every Christmas she asked each of us for a Christmas list and she went out of her way to get us the majority of the things on our list.  She loved to take care of and spoil the people that she loved. 

Last night, I spent a little time jotting down the random things that come to mind when I think of my Gram and what she loved.  These are the things that represented who she was to me and quite possibly to many people: wind chimes, iris flowers, watering and gardening, rose bushes, feeding scrub jays on her patio, slippers, heated blankets, sparkling soda water, tanning, sunshine, naked (don't ask:), jazz music, warm days, being a nurse, jewelry, IZ and especially his Somewhere Over the Rainbow song, sarcasm, sushi, rainbows, strength, People Magazine, pasta salad, feisty, control oriented, crime shows and counselor to many.   

I have countless memories of swimming in her beautiful pool every Summer.  When the grand kids were little Gram would order pizzas or bring us push ups in the pool.  She would always heat our towels in the drier and have them ready for us when we got out.  She even heated towels for me and my girl friends this summer (2012) when we were in the jacuzzi late one night.  It seemed that I never got too old for Gram to spoil me.  This past June was very special because my little girl learned how to float and paddle for the first time in my Grandma's pool.  My Grandma was right beside me rooting my little girl on as she bravely tackled each step in the shallow end. I can still hear her cheers, "yeah, you go Daisy! There you go. Kick those legs."

Just like that, in the blink of an eye any one of us could be gone.  Death is hard for the living because we don't want to spend the rest of a life here on Earth without that person who has passed but, death also reminds us of the fragility of life.  It's probably never wise to assume that we are going to have all of our loved ones in our life until they are 90.  It's probably best to remember that every minute of every day is a gift and we should love more, forgive faster, fight less, play more, pray harder, dance often and laugh lots.  Make as many of your moments here on Earth count.  Live like every day could be your last and see how much more beautiful this life becomes. 

Gram, I miss you terribly.  It's hard to be in your home without your presence.  It's hard to imagine this upcoming holiday season without your festive celebrations.  It's hard to imagine not getting your cheerful comments on Facebook and Instagram anymore.  Life will never be the same without you in it but, I will cherish all of the fantastic memories.  I will remember what a strong woman you were through life's trials and I will strive to be strong also.  I'll love you forever.  I'll love you for always.  As long as I'm living my Gram you will be.

 

California - Part 1

All things considered, Daisy was a champ through all of our travel madness and our two week long whirlwind trip in California.  Even as loaded down as she and I were as we ran through airport security and when we almost missed a flight she never melted down once...though I was extremely tempted to myself.  Note to self: pack lighter next time.  I was carrying about 60+ pounds of baby and bags on my shoulders and going through security was a nightmare.  I really did need everything that I was carrying but man, I was SO sore for the next several days.  Live and learn.  I was so proud of how patient Daisy was jammed in my kangaroo pouch for a couple of hours.  That was definitely my best idea for her.  She never would have tolerated a stroller and I was able to have two hands free.  Sweet!  See, I'm smiling in this picture below because it was before I left for my trip and I was excited at this point.  If you had a picture of me at the airport in the security line you would have seen a different expression.  I was drenched in sweat, beat red from carrying 60 pounds, had scratch marks all over my neck from the bags cutting off my circulation, I was on the verge of tears and saying prayers continuously to calm myself down.  Pictures before are a good idea:).  I could have fooled you all!

The DVD player was not nearly as helpful as I had hoped. Daisy was far too excited to sit still and watch a movie.  Instead she wanted to jump up and down on the seat, slam the window open and shut, kick the back of the chair in front of her (which I didn't let her do...so of course I got to enjoy more toddler anger and behavior...joy), and shout, "hey, ebrebody, can you hear meh," at 11, 12 and 1 in the morning.  Yes, I have a very spirited child.  There were a few times when I caught myself nodding off at around 1 AM EST time and all the while Daisy was STILL wide awake.  I finally came up with the novel idea of laying down on my back and having Daisy lay down with me.  I rubbed her back and she was out within 5 minutes. Whether or not that would have worked any earlier is hard to know.  She had a lot of energy to get out after being in my carrier for 2 hours at the airport.  Ear pain made it difficult for her to stay asleep but, at least she wasn't bouncing off the walls anymore.

She stretched out and took up the majority of the 3 seats.  I was really thankful to the guy that had left our row at the start of the flight when another seat opened up....better for him and better for us!

My hubby's brother Jeremy was awesome and picked us up from the airport late at night and even stopped by IN N Out for me at 11PM so I could grub on my favorite California fast food.  YUM. Thank you Jeremy!  Daisy stayed awake the entire hour drive from the airport to my Grandma's house which blew me away.  By then it was past 3 AM our time.  I put her immediately to bed and then fell into bed myself fully clothed for a short 4 hour siesta before starting our first day.  Whew! Travel is definitely my least favorite part of vacation.

We kept our first day very low key just the way I hoped. An impromptu play date with our good friends the Fishers at the park and some lemon picking with GG (Great Grandma).  Daisy especially loved picking the lemons and then throwing them into my Grandma's pool.  We would fish them out for her and then she would throw them again.  She has quite the fastball pitch! 

We both took a nice long nap and felt much more like our normal selves after.  Daisy's energy returned and she began exploring my Grandma's house in full.  Just look at her mischievous face! lol

GG had such a fun backyard for Daisy to explore and roam.  I didn't realize how much I had missed the tranquility of my Grandma's backyard.  I grew up going to her house almost every weekend in the Summer time to swim late into the evening, lay out and listen to the palm trees and wind chimes swishing in the breeze, eat popsicles and pizza, watch movies and have many a great chat with my Grandma on her porch.  I used to climb up on the roof of her guest house with my cousins.  We felt pretty cool sneaking up there. LOL.  I'm so thankful that that I was able to stay at her home on this trip and share some of those special memories with my little girl. Thank you Gram!

My Aunt Pam has a really fun house. She has lots of turtles such as giant Mike below, a couple of dogs and cats, some guinea pigs and a super smart bird. Basically it's like a small petting zoo for a 2 year old!  Daisy had a blast and I always have a blast whenever my kid is having a good time.  Giant Mike was awesome! I think he is the largest turtle I have ever touched or been so close to.  He was a gentle giant.  My Aunt has the biggest heart for animals of anyone I know. 

We headed pretty much straight from there to Joey's Aunt and Uncle's house. The Bailey Bunch! :). They hosted a delicious steak dinner for the family. Daisy got to see her Grandma Martinez and her Uncle Jeremy who helped her shoot some hoops. It was so great to see them and the cousins are all so helpful with Daisy. I know I've said it before but, I don't think anything blesses me more than watching other people love on my daughter. I feel the love as directly as if it was me getting all the attention. When she is loved, I feel loved. That is the joy of being a mother!

From Left to right: crazy me, cousin Shannon who was home from college for the Summer, awesome Uncle Jeremy holding Daisy, cousin Nicolette who is starting her senior year of high school this Fall and Tyler who is a Freshman this fall. 

Aunt Marie had baked a delicious cake and Daisy decided that it was intended for her after she climbed up on a chair and found it. She even got permission from the family to smash her face in it...that is how loved she is. LOL

Up to this point we still hadn't even announced that we were in California, because our trip was a surprise for my sister Anna.  Bright and early Sunday morning we put this picture below on her facebook page and said, "surprise, look who is in California for your graduation??!!" From what I am told she was incredibly shocked and immediately balled her eyes out. That made me happy:). The surprise was a success and she felt loved which was the entire point of the trip. I wanted her to know how special she is to me!! Love you to pieces Anna! By the way her 18th birthday is Tuesday...Happy almost birthday my youngest sister!! Can't believe you are an "adult" now...I feel incredibly old now thanks a lot.;)

Once the surprise was out my Mom and sister drove down an hour and a half from their mountain top home and went to church with me and Daisy. It was so good to see them and to have the surprise out of the bag. I had kept that dang secret for nearly 2 months and it was HARD. So WONDERFUL to have the air clear and not to have to sensor myself constantly. Freedom!!  I know my mom can relate:).  Well worth it though! We LOVED going to our old church (more or less..it's a church plant from our last church, Calvary Chapel) and seeing a handful of our old friends there. I love PB's sermons! So good to see you Bruce and Karen and thank you for praying with us afterwards.

Potty Training progress and other updates:
This is part one of at least 3 or 4...I'm getting sleepy so this will conclude part 1.  I want to mention before I forget that we took Daisy to our community pool last night and she floated around like a champ.  I never realized that learning to balance with floaties on is actually a skill that has to be learned.  Daisy went in the pool a few times in California and started testing out her balancing skills, once on the fourth of July at a lake and now last night she was full on swimming with her floaties.  Joey and I were amazed at her skill and her boldness! She started jumping off of the stairs into our arms.  Go Daisy!  LOL

Potty training is going excellent! We have been going at it for about a week now and I really have to say that Daisy is doing awesome.  I pretty much keep her naked from the waist down the entire time that we are home.  I find that as soon as I put a pullup on her or panties that she thinks she is free to go in them just as she could a diaper.  Nakedness has helped her to better understand that there is nothing there to catch anything.  The first 4 or 5 days I was putting her on the potty every 20 minutes or so while asking her if she needed to go.  I'm not gonna lie...it was mentally draining even though she was a champ.  It's really does require a tremendous amount of patience and a devotion to staying home for a few solid days to be consistent and teach them.  Hard to have a life the first few weeks of potty training but, I was prepared for that.  She was not telling me that she needed to go in the beginning at all and in fact is still not telling me that she needs to go regularly.  Only a couple of times has she actually said that she needs to go.  The last two days she has sat on the potty all by herself without being asked or told to.  She already gets when she needs to go and goes bolting for the potty..one week in! I'm so proud of her!  We will continue to wear pullups when we go out, at bedtime or to church to make life easier for those taking care of her but, I think she will continue to make a lot of progress.  She's doing great.  I think the key is patience and waiting until your child is ready.  Each kid is so different and will be ready at different ages.  Don't rush and don't push.  It IS NOT easy....I'm wiped out from this but, I cannot complain because all in all she is doing great.  To be continued.....


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