When I Hear Kenny G Music Playing

For over 25 years I swam in a crystal blue pool, under swaying palm trees, in southern California, Summer after Summer while Kenny G music played over the outdoor sound system.  I would lay out in the warm sun, on my Gram's floral patio furniture and the sweet sounds of saxophone and jazz would lull me to sleep.  I don't know too many teenagers that unashamedly love Kenny G but, I was one of them, thanks to her.

She was an early riser and whenever she hosted one of her many grandchildren sleepovers she would turn the radio on to jazz music and it would be playing softly in the morning to greet us.  She always had a delicious breakfast waiting for us when we finally decided to drag our lazy bums downstairs.  She never rushed us or expected anything of us grandkids.  How she served us so patiently and sacrificially through all of our selfish seasons, I'll never know.  

As she got older she would sit outside for many hours in between spurts of watering her roses or tending to her yard.  She loved being in her garden.  I would say it was her happy place and her roses brought her so much joy.  As long as her sound system was working I could hear those sweet jazz melodies playing softly behind the scenes.  The music danced through the warm breezes and into my ears like a warm hug or Mother's kiss.    

There's just something about when I hear Kenny G music playing.  Such peaceful melodies.  So soothing and absolutely bursting with memories.  I laugh.  I smile.  I cry.  

I've had two Kenny G channels saved to my Pandora station for a few years.  Whenever I nap or if my kiddo naps with me, I always turn one of those channels on.  I'll admit that more often than not, instead of napping, I will lay awake in bed listening to the tunes and watching the memories roll through my mind and across my heart.  It's beautiful to remember her so well and to have so many wonderful memories.  Such a priceless gift.  

I find myself chuckling at the recollection of her walking around nearly nude year after year (in a skimpy bikini) even in her 70's while watering her flowers.  More often than not she always had her fuzzy slippers on even if she was only wearing a bikini and I can still remember the sound of them shuffling across her stone pavement in her backyard.  Sweet, sweet memories.

Oh how I miss her so.

Death is strange, in that it seems that every loss I have experienced has been a completely different emotional journey for me.  Just when I think that I have learned the healthiest grieving techniques, I lose someone or something else and I realize that I really don't know anything about grieving.  Life just walks us through loss and sorrow whether we like it or not and we simply have to surrender to it and let time works it's soothing balm on our weary hearts.  

There are some people that we simply never stop wishing for another moment with.  She is one of those people.  I may have no choice but, to learn to move on without them but, the longing never dies.  Every week and especially on birthdays I miss her calls and thoughtful gifts.  With each holiday, I miss her savory cooking and the joy of her traditions.  Every Summer I miss her giant blue pool and the beautiful oasis that it was for so many of us.  Every day...I miss her.

Because of her, I cherish the close bonds of family and time spent with loved ones.  Because of her I will strive to create my own special family traditions.  She taught me what it means to be a listener, a giver and a friend through all the ups and downs.  It wasn't always perfect of course but, somehow we always forgave and moved right along.

I love you Gram and thanks to you, Kenny G, inspired this blog today.

Till we meet again...xoxo

Thinking of You Today Gram

Today is my Gram's birthday.  She would be 77 years old if she were still with us (I think that's right).   It's been 6.5 months since she was suddenly snatched away from us and I know that we are all still processing her passing and the loss we feel in different ways.   Just a week ago or so her home was sold and the key was handed over to a new owner. (heart aching at the thought).  It feels especially weird to know that I will never be able to visit my Gram or her home when I fly out to CA for a visit.  Some people move a lot and their homes don't ever become terribly sentimental to them.  My Gram had lived in the same house ever since my mom was a teenager so you could imagine that it held boat loads of memories for our families.  The home was in a sense, another family member and I think a lot of us have had to grieve the loss of the home just as much as the woman who created it to be such a wonderful place for her family to enjoy. 

I miss her so much. Like, I miss her a TON times infinity.  I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to call her and tell her the latest news or text her a picture of Daisy.  I always sent her texts with pictures and she was by far the best responder....slow at times but, faithful and she wrote the cutest things in her replies.  I miss her comments on my instagram pics and on my Facebook page.  I'm sad that I won't get a call from her on my birthday this Saturday.  She would be singing Happy Birthday to me in her horrible cackling singing voice that I loved.  We were the only April birthdays in the family.  It was special to share the month with her and we always talked about how much we loved being spring babies.  We both love flowers and gardening so much and spring always put us both in a good mood.  I made artichokes last night and I couldn't help but think of my Gram the entire time I prepared them and ate them. We ate some together the last time I visited.  She made a big mess and we laughed about it together.  It's funny how such unexpected things will trigger a memory of her.  I know she would have loved Daisy's Easter outfit this year.  She loved when we all dressed fancy for the holidays.  She was rather old fashioned in many ways and Daisy would have made her proud this year:)

After my Gram passed, I intentionally chose to put a picture of her that I love on my fridge.  For about two months it was quite painful for me to even look at the picture when I opened the fridge without being overcome with sorrow.  I couldn't process the emotions that rose up inside of me.   

After a couple of especially hard months, I began to want to look at her picture and smile at her.  I would blow her pic a kiss every now and then.  I would find myself gazing at her, forgetting the milk jug still in my hand and talk to her or just pray aloud to calm my aching heart.  The thoughts that pop into my head now over 6.5 months later are rarely dark as they often were the first few months.  There isn't a stabbing rush of pain in my heart when I think of her or see her picture.  Don't get me wrong if I allow myself to think too long I can get sad rather quickly but, the simple day to day thinking is much more manageable.  Peace is slowly trickling in (because I want it to!) and filling up the void....it's coming slowly but, it's coming.  Of course there will always be moments of sadness for as long as I live but, I am hopeful and confident that time will lessen the intensity.  I know my Gram would want me to live a life as full as possible for her!

I'll miss her for as long as I live and she will always be in my thoughts.  Today I want to celebrate the good times and the memories we shared.  Happy Birthday to you Dearest Gram!

 

Remembering Her

 Grief goes up. Grief goes down. Grief goes all around.  That is starting to sound a lot like a page out of a Dr. Seuss book the more I repeat it. hehe Anyways, I'm sure this will be one of many blog posts about my Gram as I work through the different phases of grief. Writing has always been the easiest way for me to sort through what I feel. I'm so thankful for this outlet because I don't know if I would be able to heal without a place to lay my heaviness to rest. So, bear with me as I dig deep and honor the memory of one of the most amazing people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing and loving.

 It's been a little over a week since my last living Grandparent; my Gram, Patricia Anne Marshall passed away very unexpectedly. She wasn't sick. She didn't die of old age and she was only in her 70's.  I think a lot of people assume that if a Grandparent dies that they passed on from an illness or old age.  That is how I always expected it to be with my Gram and since it wasn't it caught us all off guard.  It will take several months before the autopsy report is processed and in the meantime we will all have to find peace in the different ways that we need to find it. I'm shocked. I'm overwhelmed with emotion. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I was sure we would have her with us for many more years. I just can't believe she is gone.  With each passing day the reality begins to sink in a little more but, the ache remains like a steady knot in my stomach.  At different times of each day I find myself saying softly to myself, "I miss you so much Gram."

My Gram was the only living Grandparent that I had in my life for several years and she is definitely the Grandparent that I've always felt the closest to. No other loss has cut me as deep or as hard as this one. I don't attach easily to people and it takes me a really long time to forge a powerful bond with someone. I've grieved for all of my Grandparents but, this loss is just different. The bond was stronger. The memories vast and wonderful. There is not a piece of my life that doesn't have a part of her in it.   She was involved in every special event in my life in some way. 

 I haven't gotten much sleep in the past several days and that is unusual for me.  I'm too restless.  I'm having strange dreams.  I see her face and hear her voice when I close my eyes and that is not a bad thing at all but, it makes it much harder to fall asleep. I hear her laugh in my ears and all the memories we shared flash repeatedly through my mind. I can't imagine entering this holiday season and not having our chief of holiday affairs here to celebrate with us for the first time in nearly 30 years.

Her house is home base for our family.  It's the oasis and retreat for every grandchild on a bad day.  We've all found peace while laying by her pool and gazing up at her towering palm trees as they swayed in the California breeze. Jazz music was often playing on her outdoor sound system.  Her vast collection of wind chimes would chime away in a wild but, somehow perfect harmony.  When you closed your eyes you genuinely felt like you were at a tropical resort. Gram's house is paradise.

 This is the house that I have spent nearly 26+ years of holidays at before moving to North Carolina and even some since I moved.  Every Easter she hosted an egg hunt for the grand kids and a brunch usually followed. We were always most excited about finding a blue egg because they held a $20 bill for each grandchild. Every Halloween she served her delicious chili with saltine crackers and let us pass out boat loads of candy at her door.  We usually ate a lot of it too but, she didn't need to know that.  Every Thanksgiving she hosted a feast fit for a King and I can promise you that no one on planet Earth makes mashed potatoes as delicious as my Gram.  Every Christmas Eve she hosted yet another beautiful dinner and after we had all eaten, she would pass out a wrapped gift to each grandchild.  We already knew more or less what was inside but, we still tore our present open with great anticipation.  The beloved Christmas Jammies!!

 We always wondered who would match and what colors we would each get.  Even this past Christmas my Gram (and Aunt Pam thank you auntie) made sure to mail not only me, but, my husband and my daughter Christmas jammies to match with the rest of our family back home.  I was 28 years old this last Christmas but, I still wanted those jammies so bad because I felt so far away from all of my family in California and when I got them in the mail my heart skipped a beat.  Those jammies brought me a little closer to the celebration that I was missing. She never seemed to grow weary of tradition.  She never grew weary of spoiling her grand kids. 

 For nearly 18 years all of the grand kids would spend the night at Gram's house on Christmas Eve and wait for Santa to fly over the house.  Christmas morning we would all bound down her creaky stairs to start shaking the oodles of presents with our names on them and guessing what might be inside.  She spoiled us rotten.  Let me emphasize that....she spoiled us ROTTEN.  Her generosity with her family knew no bounds.  She was the most giving person I've ever known.  

She wasn't just generous at Christmas time.  She was generous all the time.  She always found special ways to bless everyone around her.  She always made sure to have my favorite foods at her house when I visited.  She knew I didn't like traditional store bought birthday cakes so she surprised me with an old fashioned root beer float instead.  She always remembered to call on my birthday and was so sweet to mail a birthday card and check year after year.  Our birthdays were only a few days apart; hers being on April 10th and mine being on the 13th.  She loved to treat me to sushi when I visited and we would pig out on her back patio and make a huge mess together.  She got us beautiful dresses for Easter and colorful swim suits each Summer when we were kids.  Every Christmas she asked each of us for a Christmas list and she went out of her way to get us the majority of the things on our list.  She loved to take care of and spoil the people that she loved. 

Last night, I spent a little time jotting down the random things that come to mind when I think of my Gram and what she loved.  These are the things that represented who she was to me and quite possibly to many people: wind chimes, iris flowers, watering and gardening, rose bushes, feeding scrub jays on her patio, slippers, heated blankets, sparkling soda water, tanning, sunshine, naked (don't ask:), jazz music, warm days, being a nurse, jewelry, IZ and especially his Somewhere Over the Rainbow song, sarcasm, sushi, rainbows, strength, People Magazine, pasta salad, feisty, control oriented, crime shows and counselor to many.   

I have countless memories of swimming in her beautiful pool every Summer.  When the grand kids were little Gram would order pizzas or bring us push ups in the pool.  She would always heat our towels in the drier and have them ready for us when we got out.  She even heated towels for me and my girl friends this summer (2012) when we were in the jacuzzi late one night.  It seemed that I never got too old for Gram to spoil me.  This past June was very special because my little girl learned how to float and paddle for the first time in my Grandma's pool.  My Grandma was right beside me rooting my little girl on as she bravely tackled each step in the shallow end. I can still hear her cheers, "yeah, you go Daisy! There you go. Kick those legs."

Just like that, in the blink of an eye any one of us could be gone.  Death is hard for the living because we don't want to spend the rest of a life here on Earth without that person who has passed but, death also reminds us of the fragility of life.  It's probably never wise to assume that we are going to have all of our loved ones in our life until they are 90.  It's probably best to remember that every minute of every day is a gift and we should love more, forgive faster, fight less, play more, pray harder, dance often and laugh lots.  Make as many of your moments here on Earth count.  Live like every day could be your last and see how much more beautiful this life becomes. 

Gram, I miss you terribly.  It's hard to be in your home without your presence.  It's hard to imagine this upcoming holiday season without your festive celebrations.  It's hard to imagine not getting your cheerful comments on Facebook and Instagram anymore.  Life will never be the same without you in it but, I will cherish all of the fantastic memories.  I will remember what a strong woman you were through life's trials and I will strive to be strong also.  I'll love you forever.  I'll love you for always.  As long as I'm living my Gram you will be.